Thursday, April 28, 2005

The Thursday Vote-o

Random thoughts that don’t fit anywhere else, and a vote-o

--- Murderers aren’t very good at covering their tracks and tend to get caught reasonably quickly due to their lack of forward planning. I’ve seen all those mysterious blue liquid adverts, and am firmly convinced that they should use sanitary towels to mop up blood. Those super-absorbent powers ought to save them all sorts of problems when the forensic team shows up, and presto - loads of saved work for the Crown Prosecution Service, courts etc!

--- Signs that your marriage isn't what it once was no.37: She no longer spends the long winter evenings popping the zits on your arse.

--- I have just bought some car insurance to go with my new car. For an extra nine quid, they said, I could be covered up to GBP25,000 "in the event of injury I should become a victim of road rage, something which is all too common these days." No it's not. You're a bunch of thieving bastards.

--- Some of my best nights out ever have been spent with rugger buggers. You haven't lived until you have seen the Dance of the Flaming Arseholes performed by fifteen brick shithouses singing "I'm a stupid dicky-di-dildo." It's what made this country great. And if it weren't for rugby players, the British brewing industry would have collapsed years ago. Let's hear it for egg-chasers and their hairy-armed girlfriends!

--- "If you're surfing for porn through your mobile phone, does that make it fWAP enabled?"

--- Dick Lovett. I bet he does. "Offering a personal service"

--- If I was in charge of pop music, I’d create a Devon-based all-girl rap outfit. And I’d call them Westward Ho!

And hey, with an election coming up, I thought it might be nice if I actually held a Thursday vote-o round these parts. Five …no, six… to choose from, plus the chance to invade the country of your choice*. Choose-o!

* Cubs' Camp – "It was only years later when they find the shallow grave containing Akela’s body that the sordid truth came out"
* Party – "And he ran, screaming, through the living room as people took turns flicking his suspender belt"
* Piss IV – "’And another thing’, I said, ‘that’s not lemonade’."
* Hawk – "’Eject! Eject! Eject!’ he cried, but I was too busy reading pornography to notice."
* Shed – "It was no use – his mum had cornered him with the strippers and there was potting compost everywhere."
* Poo – "’Forty years! I’ve had my no claims bonus for forty years’ But you know what dogs are like…"

Standard disclaimer (which no-one ever reads): The quotes listed above may not actually appear in the stories. In fact, I can guarantee it. Vote-me-do!

* As long as it’s Wales

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