Vote-u-sell

Vote for grabs

Political parties, your attnetion please! I have absolutely no idea who to vote for. I am a blank canvas, an empty vessel, your vote-o-bitch.

Not that any of you jokers appeals to me in any way shape or form. It is my firm belief that it is a special kind of person who stands for office. "Special" in the "special bus" sense, that is. The only difference between your Blairs of this world, and the guy who wants to paint yellow lines outside your house is a better tailor and years of expensive dentistry.

Don't get me wrong, I want to vote, and will give my reluctant, conditional backing only to the party that deserves it. And living in the UK's most marginal seat - the present (Labour) incumbant took the seat from the Tories in 2001 with a 0.00000001% swing - my vote could make all the difference. Not just locally, but nationally. I'm that important, me, and that's why, I feel, you should try harder in my case.

Progress so far:

Labour: Prime Ministerial visit to Weymouth, did not speak to the proles. Bad Tony. My MP came knocking on Saturday, I was out. Unlucky.
Tories: Bugger all. Bad Dracula.
LibDem: Bugger all. Bad ginger bloke.
UKIP: Ranting postcard that assumed, because I live by the sea, I am a pensioner. Bad loonies.

As you can see from this sorry list, you really must try harder. So, on your knees and promise me any three of the following:

* The repeal of the Terrorism Act. I prefer the rule of law, not the law of politicians.
* An end to the pre-emptive war on terrorism. It's you that's the cause, you fools.
* Sane investment in transport, health, schools. The simple, straightforward stuff that doesn't need celebrity chefs to tell you what to do.
* Chemical castration of chavs.
* Kirstie Allsopp and Sarah Beeny and a catering size barrel of baby oil
* The moon on a stick

I'm going to get more picky as the campaign goes on. By polling day, I'll be wanting a stack of used fivers, so you lot had better get a crack on and convince-me-up.