Tuesday, December 02, 2008

On not being mad

On not being mad

The BBC - between bouts of swearing at pensioners - aired a programme not long ago called "How mad are you?"

My reply: 5 out of 10 mad, which is hardly mad at all, compared to some people I could mention.

Aired at a dangerous time where the nation has never been so outraged, I have no doubt that the switchboard at Television Centre lit up like a Christmas tree as fuming mad people rang up to complain that they are not mad in the slightest.

"Why oh why oh why?" they are asking, "can't do you a radio programme with that nice John Barrowman instead?"

I was not one of those people, even though I am not mad.

In fact, I can tell my relative level of sanity just by examining my own output for style, control, damage, aggression and general offence and presenting my findings to you, dear reader in a handy cut-out-and-keep guide:

----------- cut out and keep -----------

"How Mad Is Scary?" – Handy Ready Reckoner

Condensed movies: Perfectly sane
Minor swearing: Slightly unhinged
Samuel Pepys' diaries: A lyttle crack'd
Poo: Nuts
Sick inna hedge: Woofing mad
Heaving cleavage: Off my tits
Tales of poo, vomit and heaving cleavage: Utterly certifiable

----------- cut out and keep -----------
I have already cut out and kept a copy for my wallet, for the worst words I can hear from The Fragrant Mrs Duck, usually after a "Sick inna hedge" post, are "I've been reading your blog", and this is usually a prelude to WOE.

HINT: Do not 'cut out and keep' by use of a Stanley knife. Flat screens do not come cheap

HINT HINT: If I publish the piece about charity shops, please call the men in white coats. This particular post is right off the scale and into the rolling vistas of complete lunacy that have no name

I am not mad.

Tomorrow: The Duck visits a charity shop – with HILARIOUS consequences

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