Wednesday, April 21, 2010

On Swiss Army knives

On Swiss Army knives

"That Swiss Army knife of yours," says the boy, indicating the weedy penknife on my desk, "It's rubbish, isn't it?"

He might have a point, for it is nothing but a knife, a screwdriver, a pair of scissors, a ball-point pen, a torch, a key-ring and 64MB of memory. I mean: what can you do with 64MB these days? Bugger all, that's what.

"What it needs", he says, "is a few minor modifications, and you might not get laughed off the streets."

I am so cool, I've been laughed off the streets, all the way round the block and back onto the streets again, so I do not care.

So, after a few tweaks in the Scaryduck Jr Bedroom of Doom, my Swiss Army knife now comes with the following:

- Mobile phone with web access
- Toothbrush
- The actual Swiss Toni (Comes with a number of phrases such as "Whittling a tent peg with a Swiss Army knife is very much like making love to a beautiful woman")
- The actual Swiss Army, each with a Swiss Army knife
- Dog
- My trusty frying pan of SPANG
- 32MB of computer memory

I pushed the boy on this dreadful turn of events, for that is barely three minutes of video downloaded from certain websites.

"Dad - you've got to make sacrifices if you want to be a trend-setter. Trust me."

I SPANGed him with my trusty frying pan of SPANG and locked him in his room. Kids, eh?

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