Rubbish Bingo Calls

Went to the bingo the other day*, where the caller had undoubtedly been on the Very Hard Drugs and/or having some sort of breakdown. Shan't be going back.

"Dudley Moore auditioning for Tarzan – number 1"

"Fred West's House – number 25"

"69, dudes!"

"Last time Spurs won the football league – 61"

"Jeremy Clarkson's waist measurement – 44"

"Chicken chow mein with house special fried rice – 53"

"Nine – 11"

"Number of followers you've got on Twitter – 17"

"One fat lady who fell out with her equally overweight friend over her £25,000 national bingo win she said she'd share but didn't – 8"

"Heaven – 17"

"UB – 40"

"Bingo caller's penis, in inches ... no, actually, centimetres – 12"

"Number of times I've cracked one out in next door's shed – 37"

At that point, the old biddies invaded the stage, and he was last seen rocking back and forth in a corner. Made my excuses and left.

(You know what I'd like to see? Somebody getting it into the EDL's head that Mecca Bingo is changing its name so as not to offend the Muslamics. Because that would rule)

* No I didn't, but just roll with it, right?