SEPTEMBER - Once again we’ve let celebrity astrologer and tub-o-lard Russell Grant do all the hard work of copiously drawing up star charts and referring to centuries-old wisdom passed down through the ages to provide totally accurate and not-made-up-at-all predictions for the month ahead. We just made thm a tad more interesting.
Aries: An added emphasis on health issues will occur between now and next September. You won't recognise yourself by this time next year! Though, as a hint, the wooden overcoat may be a bit of a giveaway.
Lucky Russian Squillionaire: Roman Abramovich
Taurus: If you've had difficulty conceiving a child, your wish could be granted between now and next September. But get a grip on yourself. No-one wants to see a half-man half-dog. This isn’t ancient Greece, you know.
Lucky crook: Robert Maxwell
Gemini: Expanding or improving your home is a good possibility between now and next autumn. Which is a good thing, as your current cardboard box is beginning to wear out.
Lucky former West Ham manager: Glenn Roeder
Cancer: Though the week begins in a lazy mode, you can think of this as your breathing space to get you in shape for what's to come later. Yup. Ebola.
Lucky former dictator’s wife: Mrs Mariam Abacha.
Leo: As you take a closer look at your circle of friends and acquaintances a painful truth emerges. Not one of them is normal, and they all want to see you dead. Kill them all! Now! Now! NOW!!!
Lucky Bond girl: Pussy Galore
Virgo: Destiny sees you in with a group of new faces who all enjoy construction and repair work You will be press ganged into the Village People.
Lucky cheese: Tasmanian Penguin blue-vein.
Libra: Reflective pursuits like prayer, meditation, yoga, and tai chi are all favoured now. You may also get enjoyment from solitary creative pursuits. Wanker.
Lucky Judge: Joe Dredd
Scorpio: Luck is your middle name this month. It may seem as though your wish is granted as soon as it leaves your lips. Just don’t say “Well bugger me backwards” or "Well dip me in dogshit", or you’ll just be asking for trouble.
Lucky lads’ mag: Loaded
Sagittarius: Fate sees you fulfilling your wildest dreams in the next month or so. But beware the end of the month when Satan comes knocking for his part of the bargain. I mean - look what happened to Robbie Williams. Sad isn’t it?
Lucky motorbike: Honda
Capricorn: If you've ever wanted to explore a foreign country, now is the time to go for it. The army recruiting office will be pleased to see you, and Iraq’s the place to be seen these days. Your abilities as a salesperson come into play at weekends, just make sure the girls all pay you their cut and that the police are paid off.
Lucky dead rapper: Notorious BIG
Aquarius: Intimacy has always been a rather tricky issue with you, but be prepared to learn some surprising things about yourself, particularly with regard to your sexual side. Just don’t come running to us when the animal welfare people turn you in to the law.
Lucky dolphin: Flipper
Pisces: Pffffft...HA HA HAAARGH!... Sorry. I toook a look at your stars for this month and hahahaha HAAAAAAAARGH!!! Sorry. BWA HA HAH HA HAAAAA!!!!! Oh jaysus. Just keep your privates away from electrical sockets this month, that’s all I can say.
Lucky duck: Mallard
If it’s your birthday: You didn’t invite me to your party, did you? Bastard. Both your legs will fall off in an inconvenient moment. That’ll learn you.