"On Yer Bike"

German funsters Kraftwerk give a rare interview to the BBC. They don't do interviews. Ever. So this is manna from heaven for fans. They talk about two things close to my heart - cycling and electronica, so you lot would be better off chatting amongst yourselves while I turn into a drooling fanboy for the time being.

“Bingo!”

As a middle-ranking minion in a large organisation, I am compelled to go to a lot of meetings. Now, I’ve grown to enjoy these sessions, but there was a time when a great number of my colleagues were convinced that our managers were trying out for the British Olympic Buzzword Bingo team, after repeatedly confronting us with outward-facing customer orientated three-hundred and sixty degree surveys in client-focused attempts to stretch the envelope and swim outside the think tank. Whatever that was.

But then, I realised I was wrong. A large conference up in The Smoke became my Road to Damascus. After two days of highly intentioned yet meaningless drivel, I realised that our management actually meant what they were saying, only dressing it up to make it sound impressive. The London suits, on the other hand, were turning into David Brent clones and spouting shit to cover up the fact that they didn’t have the slightest clue as to what they were on about. Not just shit - real 100% top quality manure, left to ferment for several months in a sealed container, before being unleashed on an unsuspecting public in a putrid week of LA-style management cobblers. There was only one thing to do: I spent the remainder of the conference filling a notebook with this cack for future generations to enjoy, and hope to use it myself in future meetings:

* “Let’s not let the circling sharks eat our low-hanging fruit”
* “Play hardball with our customer-centric paradigm”
* “Let’s hammer in a post and see if the nice dog pisses up it”
* "Let's run all our ducks up a flagpole and see who salutes them in a row"
* “Go the extra mile for a multi-tasked rubber-stamped mission statement”
* “You’re fitting a waistcoat to a fish there”
* “Nailing jelly to a tree”

And I’m not even going to comment on a recent innovation where meetings are no longer meetings. Nope - they’re “watering holes”. Does that make me a wildebeest then?

Some nice-but-dim chap from a consultancy firm won the Bingo prize after waiting for the word “blamestorming” for three hours.

Go into a meeting correctly prepared with this information, and you can be sure that no-one will ever ask your opinion again. Mainly because you’ll be labelled as Mr Talking Bollocks for the rest of your career. Trust me.

* Mrs Scary is related to Ricky Gervais (and a certain former EastEnder), but she doesn't like to talk about it.

"Match of the Day"

Tonight's top fixture in the UEFA Cup: Young Boys vs MyPa. Bad news for perverts everywhere is that their Wankdorf Stadium is still under construction.

"Let's all start a flamewar!"

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography". Discuss.

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