Your Horror-Scopes for August – and a vast improvement on the Russell Grant originals ripped-off for this month’s all-seeing look into your (very short) future, even if I do say so myself.
Aries: Don’t be discouraged when your grandiose plans fail on the first attempt. Just make sure you leave a will and something which allows the authorities to identify your body.
Lucky former Zimbabwean President: Canaan Banana
Taurus: Don’t let your fears undermine your happiness - write down where you’d like to be in a year’s time. We bet you any money you don’t put “Sharing a cell with the notorious Grimsby Goat Buggerer”.
Lucky spin doctor: Alistair Campbell
Gemini: Whether you realise it or not, you've been blessed with a considerable writing ability, and you will make your fortune writing fake “You won’t believe what just happened to me” letters in pornographic magazines. Which is the shame, as that’s the nearest you’ll get to a shag for the next twenty-seven years.
Lucky media whore: Dale Winton
Cancer: You are loaded with leadership potential, and need to use this talent toward building a fortune, which you’ll need to pay off your hospital bills. Oh yes, it’s Ebola gain.
Lucky Star Trek actor: Leonard Nimoy
Leo: Smoothing over problems with roommates or family members is essential. This may involve using different strategies for discussing problems, or reallocating various household chores. Hide the axe.
Lucky 70s footballer: Peter Osgood
Virgo: Retreating from the world gives you a chance to reflect on personal plans. And it also saves the rest of us from looking at your ugly face. May I suggest a paper bag for your next public appearance?
Lucky kids’ TV character: Postman Pat
Libra: You're no longer afraid to pursue the big, challenging goals that once filled you with fear. Go on, do that bungee jump. Can I have your record collection?
Lucky Romanian: Ilie Nastase
Scorpio: Making a name for yourself should be quite easy, as you have no problem commanding the spotlight. The world will flock to your door to read your prison memoirs, and find out, exactly, what happened to the cow and the national hunt jockey.
Lucky Lucky Lucky: Kylie Minogue
Sagittarius: You've always been a gambler at heart, and that's never been more clear than today. You’ll be remembered as the first person to try Russian Roulette with a machine pistol.
Lucky lunatic Australian: Steve Irwin
Capricorn: Now that you have so many exciting opportunities before you, it's time to make some changes. Get rid of that boring work suit and start your new career as a transvestite axe murderer. When the law catches up with you, just blame the voices in your head, and they’ll believe you. Honest.
Lucky left-handed Christian cartoon character: Ned Flanders
Aquarius: A creative partnership could give you tons of inspiration; as two heads work better than one. The problem is grafting that second head onto your shoulder once you’ve liberated it from the morgue. It’ll be worth your while, believe you me!
Lucky bearded old sailor from a TV commercial: Captain Birdseye
Pisces: Acquiring practical skills will make you feel more useful and needed, which is a good thing. Rimming, golden showers and scat play are all heavily in demand in today’s burgeoning sex industry - there’s never been a better time to retrain!
Lucky French cafe owner from a BBC sitcom: Rene Artois
If it’s your birthday: I see you didn’t invite me to your party this year, but I hope you enjoy your present - a lifetime’s supply of killer bees! Ha HA HA HA HAAAAAARGH!!! I am not mad.
If your birthday is February 4th 1951: You are Russell Grant, and will get absolutely minted writing this tosh for a gullible public. Good work that man.
A brand new all-singing, all-dancing Scary Story with another self-indulgent Gary Numan reference in the title will appear tomorrow. I’ve actually taken two weeks get-away-from-the-computer leave - not that you’d notice - which has been mostly spent, terrified, at the top of a ladder as I paint the outside of my house.