Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse split over Kerry endorsement
Dan Prick, Foreign Correspondent
Leading portent of the end of the world, Famine, has been sensationally dumped by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse over his endorsement of Democratic challenger Senator John Kerry in today's US presidential election, reports Dan Prick.
"It's true," said the former Horseman from the kitchen of 'Fifteen', the restaurant he jointly owns with celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, "we had a bit of a falling-out."
The reason for the split is a simple one, Famine told our reporter in his exclusive first interview since he left the phenomenally successful foursome.
"I can see their point. The lads had a great four years working with Bush, but when I look at America, I see nothing but fat people. Where do I start?
"Kerry's people have promised me a return to the dust-bowl years of the Depression. I'd vote for that, they were great days.
"Bush couldn't bring about the end of the world if he tried. He can't even spell 'apocalypse'."
From their bustling headquarters in Langley, VA, Death, War and Pestilence told us a completely different story.
"We've never had it so good!" boomed War, "Bush is a war president, and he's promised us never-ending global conflict. And he's a great family guy as well."
"Famine's the kind of dangerous liberal traitor this great nation can do without," Death told us, "Bush is the one. I've harvested so many souls thanks to his outstanding presidency, it's got to be good for the economy. I'm paying less tax too - Kerry would put an end to all that."
In a ringing endorsement of Republican healthcare plans, Pestilence has nothing but praise for the President.
"He's letting AIDS run riot in Africa, and only the rich can afford life-saving medication. Why waste the Federal budget on spongers and foreigners? And those daughters of his - they're so HOT!"
In order to maintain the accuracy of the biblical prophesies, the three remaining horsemen have moved quickly to recruit a new member, and have managed to tie up a valuable corporate sponsorship into the bargain.
"Four more years!" new recruit Dick Cheney told a rally in Damnation, Ohio, "though we probably won't need more than six months.
"The Halliburton Horsemen are ready to ride out for a stronger, safer, richer nation. God bless America!"
Asked if they had a message for their former collegue Famine, Death was typically blunt:
"We always had you as a weak, liberal, America-bashing LOSER! This is going to be the big one!"