The only vote-o that counts

The only vote-o that counts

In these dark, dark days, we mere mortals need to be reminded that we are on a higher evolutionary plane that our so-called betters. Celebrities may have all the column inches and the money, but this is due entirely to a genetic flaw that renders them completely unable to go to the toilet without getting the hired help to wipe their bottom for them.

To recognise the superiority of homo sapiens over homo fuckwitus I present a short series of Scary Stories based on my limited encounters with the cult of celebrity, which will also be serialised in fortcoming editions of Hello! magazine*. Naturally, if you've got any tales of celebrity encounters, please feel free to share.

* The Elton John story - "Boys! I must have boys! And baby oil!"
* The Kate Winslet story - "Going down like the Titanic"
* The Duke of Kent story - "It's Cockney rhyming slang, see?"
* The Uri Geller story - "And that's the only reason you can justify a Tabasco enema"
* The Sarah Cracknell out of Saint Etienne story which involves an actual first-hand account of genuine celebrity nudity

I could also recount the time a John Redwood radio interview ended with a brief car park scuffle and the mysterious disappearance of his parliamentary pen, but it's been so embellished with every re-telling, that since his re-invention as an entirely charming shagger of research assistants it's hardly even worth writing up. The manky old devil.

*May not be true, at all.

Stupid things to do if you get bored today

1. Call 0800 587 6587, ask to join the UK Independence Party and insist on paying in Euros. You may wish to inform them - if they haven't already hung up - that at the current exchange rate, they should be charging E28.75 to your credit card.

2. Call 020 7822 4100, and tell The Sun of your figging parties with Stan Collymore and Charlotte Church. They'd have kittens.

3. Call 08705 900 200** and ask those lovely Labour Party folks to pass your congratulations to Tony for helping George get re-elected. If, by some chance, they refuse, you may wish to call Tony's Sedgefield constituency office on 01429 882202.

4. Call 00 1 330 490 4000*** ask offer similar congratulations to Mr Diebold and his marvellous mechanical voting machines. And while you're in the US, dial 00 1 713 759 2600 and get Mr Halliburton to pass his congrats on to Dick. Fantastic job all round, boys! The embassies of Canada on 202-682-1740, Mexico (202 728 1600) or Cuba (202 797-8518) will be able to answer any political asylum questions that may arise.

5. ???

6. Profit!

By this stage, the security services should have a file on you half an inch thick. Congratulations!

** Calls charged at National rate
*** International rates apply