Scary's First Date Woe
A promise is a promise, so here you go:
Thrown together like two fishing boats in a storm (or rather, two minor civil servants in charge of counting the UK's population of cows), your hero found himself somewhat romantically attracted to the womanly charms of Ms A, administrative assistant and underling-in-charge of the official Cow Counting Department brown felt-tip pens.
I'll be first to admit that we didn't get on from the start, our first meetings essentially involved her stealing my much-coveted window desk, and my standing on her foot in a lift, acts that still have not been forgiven seventeen years on.
But cruel fate kept throwing us together and after a long hard day of counting cows and recording the figures in brown felt-tip, it was suggested that we might like to share some quiet, intimate time together. And I hardly stared at her ladybumps, at all.
Desperate for somewhere to take the lovely Ms A for a first date in the cultural desert that is the town of Reading, I took her to the flicks to see that delightful romantic comedy, Platoon.
Blood, guts, gore, young men in the prime of life having vital parts of their anatomies blown off, it was the grimmest slab of celluloid I have ever paid money to see. Apart from Spaceballs.
After that meeting her parents would be a doodle. I marched into their living room where Luther Vandross was playing loudly on the stereo and announced the immortal opening gambit to her mother: "What's this crap then?"
Only Mrs A's favourite performing artist. Ah. Still not forgiven, etc.
Having insulted her mother in the most spectacular fashion on our first meeting, I tried to act utterly cool and non-plussed by the whole affaire de Madamoiselle A to my drinking buddies by describing her as "a bit of a dog". This being a phrase they were only too pleased to pass on at a later date, with hilarious results. Still not forgiven.
We are now married.
More?: An almost, but not quite, entirely serious Scary post on Robber Rabbit. And Lordy! Pengor's begging for money again.