Monday, November 29, 2004

On Hunting

On Hunting

Now that they've finally gone and banned hunting, I can already see a giant loophole that you could drive a pack of dogs through. Any huntmaster worth his salt would be wise to exploit such a glaring ommission should this *cough* fine country tradition of chinless wonders shouting "Tally Ho!" and killing things continue into the new millennium.

The law bans hunting with dogs - what's to stop any hunt using the three months they've got got to train up other animals to do the job?

Cats: But only if they can be arsed, and if there's a scratchy pole and a saucer of something at the end.

Piranha: Imagine the results if you could drive a fox toward a river - carnage enough to bring joy to any watching member of the Royal Family.

Lions: Might be a bit tricky, but I firmly believe that the Longleat Hunt will clear up on this one.

Killer Whales: A system of pulleys and milk floats is a sure-fire winner if these blood-thirsty bastards are anything to go by.

Japanese Spider Crabs: Six feet across, armour-plated, bullet-proof, invincible. If this one comes off, it'll be the Terminator of the countryside.

Penguins: By cunningly tying a fish onto the back of any fox you meet, a well-trained pack of penguins will provide hours of sport and knockabout comedy that'd make any hunting trip a day to remember. The only problem is being cunning enough to tie said fish to the foxes, who are, in fact, known for their cunning. Might be a bit difficult.

Other Foxes: Specially bred Judas foxes, dressed up in sexy lingerie, luring sex-starved males to their doom. How cunning is that?

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