Things that convince you that the dice really are loaded:
1. Despite careful folding and the utmost sphincter control, your fingers always go through the paper on the first wipe.
2. Planting yourself on the toilet at the point-of-no-return to find that there is no paper at all. Worse still, finding only one sheet of paper, and your bottom resembles a Venezuelan mudslide.
3. Invisible dog poo which attaches itself to the underside of your carpet slippers when you have merely stepped outside for five seconds to put the bin out. You only realise your misfortune after you have walked it all over the hall, kitchen and living room.
4. The words "Can I have a word, Mr Duck?" when you go to pick the kids up from school.
5. The phrase "These funds will take six days to clear" when you transfer a balance in your online bank account. Six days? How do they send it? Carrier pigeon?
People I really, really want to kill:
1. Decaffeinated coffee? Why? In the name of shuddering fuck, why? I can produce witnesses who have seen somebody ordering a "de-caf double espresso" in a coffee shop. This person deserves to drown in a vat of freshly refined caffeine