Stuffpile

Local news

Dorchester's town crier has returned to duty after an eighteen-month hiatus after suffering from a bout of depression. While there's nothing funny about mental illness (I'm as barking as the next man, if you'd care to use the correct medical term), the idea of a manic depressive town crier is full of comic possibilities.

"Oyez! Oyez! Oh what's the bloody point..."

"Hear ye! In the name of Her Majesty the Queen I cannot possibly be arsed to read this shit..."

"Oyez! Town crier *spang* beats self to *spang* death *spang* with bell *spang*"

Also from the Dorset Echo: Best Headline Evah for a local news story about local vicars holding Christmas carol services in Asda's Weymouth branch: "Jesus Christ, Superstore"

World News

In an attempt to make the Home Office more inclusive, David Blunkett has taken to interviewing all prospective job candidates himself with the question "Tits or face?"

Contrary to popular opinion, funnyman Benny Hill did not die in solitude in 1992. He simply moved to Finland where he set up one of the world's largest telecommunications companies. You may have heard their popular advertising slogan "Knickers! Knackers! Nokia!"

Top Tip!

Don't spend the night getting mind-bendingly drunk on a mixture of red wine and Scotch.

Pink vomit is ALL teh gay.

Disillusionment

A sad, sad day in the Duck household where I have been forced to shatter my daughter's illusions about a certain fictional figure.

Dame Edna, I told her, tears welling up, is an extremely unfunny bloke in a dress.

The tooth fairy, according to my spies, is also a bloke in a dress. This solves, for once and for all, what it is that Michael Winner actually does.