Tuesday, December 07, 2004

St Egbert's Day

St Egbert's Day

From Old Tosspot's Almanack - 7 December: The day traditionally set aside for the preparation and the bringing to the boil of vegetables for the Christmas Day feast.

If we study the scriptures (IKEA edition) St Egbert's letter to the Rostbifs clearly teaches:

"And 18 days shall thee boil these cabbages, and cauliflowers, and broccoli, and artichokes, and asparagus tips, and onions, and sprouts, and verily the carrots. No more, no less. For in this we remember the number of pole dancers at Our Lord's last supper, for it pleased him greatly. And Judas, in his sin, did offer to pay for 'extras'."

Followers of St Egbert (such as my parents-in-law) openly denounce the microwave oven as "Satan's Death Rays", following St Egbert the Anaemic's teachings to the letter. Acolytes should, by the 25th, be able to eat their Christmas dinner through a straw, and sell the waste water to B&Q as paint stripper.

8 December: St Kilroy's Day (not Belgium). Followers are encouraged to paint themselves orange, speak in tongues and pour a bucket of shit over their own head.

Dear Santa

At last. The Weebl and Bob DVD is with us. With added Brian Blessed shouty goodness.

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