Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’

Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’ No. 8

After years of speculation, the Turin Shroud - long held to be the image of Jesus after His crucifixion - has finally been proved to be a fake and the result of a crude practical joke.

Scientists, using the latest "Tesco Value range" technology have demonstrated that the shroud - venerated by millions of faithful as a holy relic - is, in fact, the result of our Lord and Saviour messing about with the office photocopier during the Joe Nazareth and Sons (Carpenters) Ltd [Motto: "Miracles in Wood"] Christmas party. Closer inspection shows that He is wearing the 17AD Manchester United replica kit, a birthday present from His mum, back-printed with the name "16 Keane" in tribute to his favourite player.

Further proof of this dramatic finding comes in the shape of papers suppressed for centuries by the Vatican, recently made public in a complex court case designed to keep Mother Theresa of Calcutta's boudoir pictures out of the public eye. These documents reveal a crude Xerox of the Messiah's arse marked "Important fax message for all departments", where the name tag on His boxer shorts is clearly visible.

Senior Catholic Church officials were today unavailable for comment pending preparations for this year's Vatican Grand Prix.