Monday, December 06, 2004



Now, I understand that it is illegal to fish stuff out of the skips at your local rubbish tip one they have been thrown in my a previous punter. It is, in fact, theft - theft of other people's shit.

However, dumping several tons of builders' rubble, wood and associated detritus from the back of my car at Weymouth Municipal Tip, my eye was caught by the familiar shape of a DVD case.

How rare!

A swift look about me, and there was no burly council ape to prevent my act of petty theft, so I leant in and fished out my prize. Tucking it into my coat, I drove home, and in the relative safety of my shed, I examined my spoils.

"Grannies Cumming 2", an hour-and-a-half exploration of the sexual habits of the older generation, in full blood-coming-out-of-your-eye-sockets graphic detail. In the name of research, I watched every frame of that disgusting spectacle. Twice.

Um. Any takers?

Someone has suggested that perhaps the best way to get rid of my loot is to be as generous as I can to the local community: Go into Dixons, put it into one of their huge home cinema demo setups, press play and run away laughing like a drunken ostrich.

However, the old saying "You can't get rid of porn" will come back to haunt me - I will arrive home to find it sitting on the coffee table, laughing at me with a demented, elderly cackle, before sending me to the Post Office for its pension, five pounds worth of TV Licence stamps and a copy of "Forty and Naughty".

It has been pointed out to me that there was sufficient interest in Grannies Cumming 1 to warrant a sequel. Well, excuse me, I watch Film 2004 every week I never saw it at the Weymouth Cineworld. The manky amongst you may wish to look the title up on Google, where you will find it riding high in the porny video charts, kept off the number one spot by the John Leslie/Abi Titmuss fiasco, the "Shaddap you Face" of the pornographic art, as it were.

Abi: "She's got her finger up my bum. It's very rude."
Leslie: "Help ma boab!"

A little bit of digging through the seedy end of google reveals that the "talent" in this cinematic opus may be engaged for as little as £75 per hour to re-enact pivotal scenes from the drama* in the comfort of your home. You don't get that with Tom Hanks.

* Such as a nice bit of ironing and a cup of tea.

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