After years of research at the sharp end of space/time theories as advanced by Hawking, married to modern domestic science applications, I am finally in a position to publish my paper on what shall become known as Coleman’s Housework Paradox.
The premise to this is simple, yet the implications for mankind are devastating if the four simple laws are proved by an independent commission.
The First Law: If a man does housework, and there is no female observer to witness it, then no housework has taken place.
The Second Law: If a man does housework in the presence of a female observer, it will be immediately dismissed as “shit” and “you’re only doing it badly so you won’t get asked again”. In such circumstances, no housework has taken place.
The Third Law: Despite doing all the dusting, hoovering, cleaning the toilet, getting that dead thing the cat brought in out of the kitchen, any man must nod in agreement when told “I do all the bloody work round here”.
The Fourth Law: The phrase “Well I work all week to pay the sodding mortgage” is not a valid reply in the circumstances, and such a gambit is likely to end with a pair of testicles in a marmite jar.
Hawking has known about this particular phenomenon for years, and has perfected the art of sitting on his arse doing nothing to such an extent that he even gets his own parking space and a TV remote control built into his wheelchair.