The Real Axis of Evil
Now it's coming up to that time of year, where, living in a well-known seaside resort, people are expected to go out and enjoy themselves. Our council, bless 'em work very hard to organise events designed to draw people into the town and part them of their money, mostly through car parking charges. Unfortunately, it's simply not good enough to drag them in with the promise of entertainment, a long, sandy beach and a fireworks display. They hire clowns.
Clowns are shit. Fact.
I know some fella who does kids' parties as a clown. He is undoubtedly the most miserable bastard I have ever met.
His stage name is Huntley the Klown* and the kids will sit there, at gun point while he comes out with the worst jokes known to man, does some useless magic tricks and makes a dog out of a balloon on only the twenty-seventh attempt.
And for this, money changes hands.
Top five names for clowns:
5. Biffo the clown
4. Topper the clown
3. Giggles the clown
2. Goatse man and his incredible elastic ringpiece
1. Jacko the clown
If I was George Bush, I would stop all this sabre rattling about Iran, North Korea and Syria, and have a go at the real axis of evil. For once, I'd be right behind him shouting "And don't forget Dawn French" by way of encouragement.
Guantanamo Bay filled with a bunch of red-nosed miserable bastards would be aces. But enough of Sir Alex Ferguson, send in the clowns.
* Not strictly true.