Babylon and Ting

Babylon and Ting

The legendary Babylon and Ting in all its sexy MP3 goodness.

A phone-call from Victor Lewis-Smith to the front desk at London Weekend Television:

Security Guard: "Security!"

V. Lewis-Smith: "Hello, is that reception, London Weekend Television?"

Security Guard: "No, this is security, reception has gone off duty, sir."

V. Lewis-Smith: "Oh I see....(err) I am supposed to meet somebody in reception, and I wanted to know if they were there waiting..."

Security Guard: "What is the name of the person you are supposed to meet?"

V. Lewis-Smith: "Haile Selassie"

Security Guard: "Halie....?"

V. Lewis-Smith: "...Selassie"

Security Guard: "Is there a Haile Selassie here? ...no"

V. Lewis-Smith: “Could you possibly... if he does... he will come in very shortly; would you tell him that Marcus Garvey phoned?”

Security Guard: "Uh huh..."

V. Lewis-Smith: "And that I will meet him, well it's, ...in Babylon and Ting?"

Security Guard: "When Marcus comes in... right?"

V. Lewis-Smith: "Yeah".

Security Guard: "And you are supposed to be waiting for him to come in..."

V. Lewis-Smith: “Is that Haile Selassie?"

Security Guard: "No, it wasn't him, it was a cab"

V. Lewis-Smith: "He's a black gentleman"

Security Guard: "But he when he comes in... you're gonna meet him at... where was it? I'll make a note of this...."

V. Lewis-Smith: "Babylon and Ting"

Security Guard: (slowly) "Ba-by-lon and Ting"

V. Lewis-Smith: "That's it"

Security Guard: "Right you are!"

V. Lewis-Smith: "Thank you! God Bless You."


Vote-o and Ting

Greetings, law-breakers. It is I, Judge Dredd, here to watch over this week's so-called Thursday vote-o. While the very concept of "democracy" is abhorrent to our system of absolute justice for the good of the citizenry, I have agreed with Mr S. Duck, currently serving hard time on the Titan Penal Colony, that I should take this opportunity to teach you all a lesson in the futility of voting. Heh. I said "Penal".

So, to help you decide which of tomorrow's stories of mirth and crime you wish to see before you commence your sentences, here are some examples of Judge humour doing the rounds at the Halls of Justice.

* First Aid: "Why did the law-breaker cross the road? To get ten years in an iso-cube for jay-walking."

* Take a Break: "My dog's got no nose. Your dog's got no nose? How does it smell? Of charred flesh after Judge Dredd incinerated it for breaking City Ordanance 3712.23 - All dogs should be in possession of a functioning nasal unit."

* Swimming Gala: "How many Judges does it take to change a lightbulb? None. We can shoot a fleeing perp in the dark with a number two heat-seeking round. Saves a lot of paperwork."

* School Milk: "Two nuns riding bikes down a cobbled street. One says 'I've never come this way before' and Judge Dredd says 'Too right citizens, bicycles are illegal under City Laws, death sentence'."

Oh, I shat myself laughing over that last one. We even did the Mother Superior for littering after she failed to get the blood off the streets within the regulation twelve minutes. It's bloody great being a judge. Best job in the world.

Vote, then. If you dare, citizen.