Monday, July 10, 2006

Kwik Fit = useless workshy bastards

Kwik Fit = useless workshy bastards

"You can't get better than a Kwik Fit fitter" the song from the popular TV ad goes. I beg to differ, the bunch of useless workshy cunts.

My car broke down yesterday. The drive belt came off, and luckily for me it happened right outside my local branch of the UK's leading tyre, exhaust and garage services centre. So, clutching a frayed drive belt, I waited ten minutes in reception while the staff took turns at ignoring me. Eventually:

"You need a new drive belt."

"Yes. Yes I know. I wonder if..."



"You can get a new one from Halfords. It's a pretty straightforward job then."

"I know - I've done one before. Can you fit it for me? It's only two minutes and you've got the tools and the ramp..."



"We don't do that kind of thing."

"Right. I'll call the AA, then."

So, I called the AA, and waited outside for my yellow-clad rescuer.

"Can I ask what you're doing, sir?" asked the Kwik Fit manager.

"You couldn't fix my broken down car, so I'm waiting for the AA."

"Yeah, but not in our car park, sir. This is for customers only."

Mine was the only car in the car park.

"But I'm the only car in the car park."

"I'm sorry sir, if you don't move your car, we've got a private company that'll come and clamp you."


"Nothing to do with us, sir. We've already had the police here once this week."

"But... it's your car park, isn't it?"

"Sorry sir, not our problem. Move it or it's a two hundred pound fine."

So, I eventually moved it to the one piece of road not patrolled by the clamping nazis. Dead opposite the entrance to Kwik Fit, where I spent half an hour glowering at the tea-quaffing layabouts and lollygaggers.

The AA came. It took two minutes up on a jack to release the auto-tensioner and fit a new drive belt.

While I waited, I put my time to good use by composing a new advertising jingle for the company, which I shall send to their head office along with a letter of complaint which will, naturally, contain the words "premier league muppetry". It doesn't quite scan, but I think you'll agree that it gets the message across:

"You can't get shitter than a Kwik Fit fitter
You can't get shitter than a Kwik Fit fitter
You can't get shitter than a Kwik Fit fitter
Because we're a bunch of useless workshy cunts who couldn't give two shits about our customers as, like we said, we're all total cunts."

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