Stealing an idea from Gert MadMusingsOfMe, mostly because I'm far too lazy to write anything constructive today, ask me a question.
Ask me about anything you like about my life as a frightening waterfowl, and this page should, with a following wind gradually expand as I post answers. I'll answer some in the comments, but if I do, don't take it as a criticism...
Ask! Ask-me-up, and, indeed, riddle-me-do.
One to start you off:
Which achievements in your life are you most proud of?
* There are many, but three stand out, neatly illustrating the Circle of Life: Telling Uri Geller to fuck off, being told to fuck off by George Harrison, and sitting behind Osama bin Laden at a football match, the both of us telling the infidel Robbie Fowler to fuck off.
Oh, and being number one on Google for Dalek Sex.
How many times have you had a shit in a bag? Recruiting Officer, lowering the tone already.
* Officially, just the once, and that was more than enough. I have, however, done my fair share of poos-into-holes-in-the-ground, so careful where you tread.
* Unfortunately (Debster), Operation Manky Garden appears to be heading for disaster. I knew I should have used Miracle-Gro.
Why is this so popular? - Tired Dad
* Because I am "excellent". No, I have no idea, either.
When was your last interaction with the local police? - ExAfrica
* Sadly, this was only a few weeks ago after a drunk broke into our garden and smashed up some furniture. I got a crime number and everything, and confirms that I am turning into an old git. And I done for speeding, but the entire transaction was done with a computer.
Why did I never go into medicine like my parents? - Dr Craig
* Years of the British Medical Journal, The Lancet and Nursing Times coming through our letterbox with their front cover Hideous Skin Condition of the Month competititions rather put me off, thank you. And I wanted to be a lumberjack.
Top three celebrity shags - Rachel Swipe
* So hard to say without Mrs Duck reading this and taking offence. Offence that she might feel herself inferior to the likes of K. Winslet, N. Lawson and S. Beeny. So I won't.
What's the shortest time you've ever held a full-time job? - Steve Dix
* About ten minutes. I got a job in a furniture shop, where I turned up on Monday morning to find that the manager had changed his mind on how much he was going to pay me. He wanted to "motivate" me by paying me about a quid an hour plus commission. It motivated me to walk out before I'd even taken my coat off. There might, come to think of it, be a blog entry in this, as the whole shop was horribly manky.
What's the illest you've ever been? - Pieboy
* I remember it well. It was a Big Mac and large fries from McD's in Reading. Within an hour I was simultaneously crapping through the eye of a needle and bowking rich brown vomit into the hand basin. This lasted for three days, after which only green stuff and dust came out. I switched to Burger King, and was bowking rich, brown vomit again within a week.
Why 'Scaryduck'? - Graybo
* You can blame my daughter for this. She had a large rubber duck (like that one, up there) which she used to refuse to play with in the bath. Asked why she had the screaming ab-dabs whenever it came near, she said the words that have stayed with me forever "Scary. Duck." Poor the Scary Duck - eaten by the dog.
Why Arsenal and not 'wonderful' Spurs? - Delcatto
Poor Delcatto. Do I really have to tell you? Truth be told, my old Dad Professor Scary tried to turn me into a Chelsea fan, and damn near suceeded, which was a bit of a lucky break. As for the Tiny Totts, the answer is simple: they're a bunch of dreadful, useless cunts.