Top Fives

Top Fives

Top Five manky dogs

5. Shit-zu
4. Labra-Whore
3. Poo-dle
2. Pox Hound
1. Terr-Arse

0. Abi Titmuss

Top Five manky bands

5. Scatological Manouevres in the Dark
4. Poo Order
3. Poo-Man League
2. Pe-Turd Andre
1. Coldplay (because they're shit)

Top Five Bad Excuses when caught having sex with the cleaner in the office stock cupboard

5. Room service? I specifically requested a 'Do Not Disturb' sign.
4. This isn't lunchtime Hump Aerobics, then?
3. Oh. It's her dying wish.
2. I don't suppose you'd like a threesome, boss?
1. And that's how you do the Heimlich manouevre.

0. Hello. I'd like to introduce you to my mother.

Top Five Scaryduck Scary Stories that will never get published

5. The time we dressed up as nuns to get kinky convent sex
4. The time we worked as product testers at the baby oil factory
3. The time we accidentally got involved in the civil war in El Salvador - all because of a packet of Rich Tea biscuits!
2. The time nothing happened involving poo, sick, urine, wobbly body parts, or any woe, whatsoever
1. The time I rubbed Deep Heat Super Extra Napalm Strength on my bad back, then had a wee without washing my hands. Last week, as it happens.

Add your own! May I suggest 'Top Five Punishments for James Blunt'?