On Acts of Revenge and Animal Cruelty

On Acts of Revenge and Animal Cruelty

Discussion at Another Place recently turned to random acts of animal cruelty for humourous ends. Because we're kind, thoughtful people like that. Nothing especially cruel, you understand - no nailing tortoises to ceilings or cat juggling*, because that would just be wrong. Instead, here's what I've got in mind:


I'd go up to London with a really big slab of red, juicy meat.

Starting outside the Houses of Parliament, I'd rub the meat into the pavement, wending a comically zig-zag course up and down the street, across busy road junctions and the wrong way down a bus lane, ending up in the Leopard enclosure at London Zoo.

Sooner or later, David Blunkett and his guide dog Bess will turn up for work, and WOOOMPH! off they go, like Peter Sutcliffe at a Whore's Convention.

Then, I'll post the video on YouTube with the Benny Hill theme playing over the top. And that would be funny.

Also: I'd like to break into our local zoo at night, wait until all the penguins are asleep, and place them, carefully, up a tree. Take that, you flightless, fish-guzzling tarts!

Animals, as a rule, are evil, and only one square meal away from ripping your throat out. To this end, we need to be prepared to take the furry little bastards on face-to-face in a battle for the very future of humanity. I'm off to play James Blunt at the local stables. What are you going to do in the war?

* World record: 0.0025 seconds