It's the World Youth Sailing Championships in Weymouth this week, a virtual dress rehearsal of the 2012 Olympic Games which will be held in the town. And frankly, I am utterly underwhelmed. Despite stunning views of the race track, or whatever they call it, all I can make out is a bunch of dots, sailing very slowly around in circles.
"What they need," I tell equally underwhelmed family members, all thinking it might be worthwhile renting out the house in 2012 after all, and buggering off to Florida on the proceeds, "is a damn good pirate attack to break 'em all up. That'll sort the men from the boys."
So: Scaryduck Junior asks
Q. What's a pirate's favourite song?
A. Hey Yarrr by Outkast
To mark the cinematic release of the new J. Depp film, Pirates of the Caribbean: K. Knightly's Chest, plz to sugest more popular sea shanties &c.
From another place:
* Cry Me a Rivaaaaaaaarrrr - Justin Shivermetimberlake. (Suggested by TV's Mr Biffo)
* Paint it, Blackbeard - Rolling Stones
* Peg-leggy Sue - Bloody Holly
* Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaranoid - Black Spot Sabbath
* I'm like a bird (parrot, on your shoulder) by Nelly Furtaaarrrrrrrdo (Suggested by Breadbin)
This is harder than you may think, me hearties. Get in there. Arrrrrrr!