Top Five excuses after getting caught mincing around in your mother-in-law's soiled lingerie, rapidly deflating erection in hand
5. Guess what! I've just got tickets for the Rocky Horror Show!
4. Just walking these down to the washing machine. More whites, anybody?
3. Police? I've just fallen victim to a gang of clothes thieves. They've just left…
2. Can you direct me to a decent tailor, plz?
1. Fantastic! There's a love - hold the camera for me.
Top Five rejected names for pop acts
5. Paedo Squad
4. Stan Stranglia and The Shipmans
3. Al Kyder and The Bombers
2. Dixie Chicks-with-Dicks
1. Coldplay
Top Five Buzzword Bingo phrases
5. Let's stuff low-hanging fruit up the ballerina's chuff
4. Time to fellate those sharks swimming in our think tank
3. Run some split-crotch knickers up the company flagpole
2. Prod the fat lady and bottle her sweat
1. Let's plant a few trees and see if the nice dog pisses up them
Top Six Stories for the Thursday Vote-o
...in the form of a bizarre, and almost entirely genuine conversation which I recently undertook on MSN Instant Messenger.
6. Conk: "I am afflicted by an acne spot on my groin", she said, "Could you love a cripple?"
5. Road Rage: "I tried squeezing it," she continued, "but it hurt. I think it might actually be a penis growing."
4. Hole in the Ground: "Well leave it alone," I said, "It'll only get bigger."
3. Killer Sheep: "It might even come in handy one day," I said, punning.
2. Bin: "Why's that then?" she asked, missing the double entendre entirely
1. Christmas o' Doom: "You see, Ann Noreen Widdecombe," says I, "The next time somebody tells you to go fuck yourself..."
I strongly advise you, in the spirit of Christmas, to vote "Go Fuck Yourself". After all, that's what this time of year is about. Isn't it? Oh.
Plug: Duck News - shedloads of frankly brilliant stuff on press freedom, performance art and dead Turkmenbashis.
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