Monday, December 04, 2006

On satellite navigation systems

On satellite navigation systems

I understand that the companies that make and sell in-car navigation systems have come up with the horrifying idea of churning them out with celebrity voices in an effort to beef up sales to the easily impressed. In fact, they've already signed up Mr. T who would almost certainly chide the poor driver with "Turn left. LEFT! I pity the foo' that turns right" just before the unit is thrown out of the car window and never seen again. He also, I gather, needs the money.

But "Feh!", we say to that. "Feh!" If we were to ever have our good taste glands surgically removed and forced at gunpoint to buy one of these devices, we'd want real celebrity voices for idiot customers with more money than sense. You know, the kind of person with an oh-so-funny "Am I bovvered?" ringtone. People who buy Crazy Frog records. You know: idiots.

So, we're pushing for this kind of crap, and it'll kill the market stone dead. That'll learn 'em:

The late Ronnie Barker as Arkwright in Open All Hours: "T-t-t-t-t-urn left in a h-h-h-h-h-undred yards, G-g-g-ranville. S-s-s-s-sorry, missed it."

Margaret Thatcher: "Straight on! Always straight ahead! This lady's not for turning."

Jeremy Clarkson: "POW-ERRRRRRRRRR! FOOT TO THE FLOOR! POW-ERRRRRRRR! Only ladyboys ask directions. POW-ERRRRRR!"

George Michael: "Don' ask me - it's jus' this lemsip reactin' with me antibiotics, an' not illegal drugs at all... ZZZzzz..."

S. Duck: "Left. Right. Straight on for 400 yards. Pull over. Wait five minutes while I done a poo in this hedge. Third turning at next roundabout..."

And while you're here, any suggestions of your own? Not that we'd rip off your idea or anything. What do you take me for?

Minogue Latest: Celebrity Bestiality - not as manky as you might think.

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