On Reading (100% true FACTS)
The town where I work has a chequered and varied history. Founded as a settlement on the confluence of the Rivers Thames and Kennet by Anglo-Saxons, before falling into the hands of the Vikings in 871, little has changed since then.
As a matter of fact, the ancient Battle of Reading is re-enacted every Friday and Saturday night on the streets of the town centre by an eager and youthful band of enthusiasts, the night air ringing with their tradition war cries of "What that fack ya starin at ya cant!" and "Yor fackin dead meat ya fackin poof!", while their women folk respond with "Leave 'im Darryl, e's not worth it" before vomiting into the gutter in the traditional manner.
Also surviving to this day is the original Viking street plan, which the modern, twenty-first century town council, mindful of the weight of history on their shoulders, has gone to great lengths to ensure that cars traveling through the town move at the same speed as a ninth century Ox Cart.
Latterly, the town became famous for its "Three Bs" - biscuits, beer and bumming. Sadly, the Huntley and Palmer factory left the town in shame after the notorious 'soggy biscuit' scandal became public knowledge, and Reading is no longer connected with beer since they switched production to Fosters.
It is hardly surprising to learn, then, that Reading's most famous resident - Oscar Wilde - was only in the town whilst doing a two-year jail stretch for being a notorious botter, an experience he wrote about in his now-famous work 'Big Bubba's Prison Bitch'.
Did you know:
*Despite losing its manufacturing base when the biscuit business sunk under the weight of its own jism, Reading remains the world's largest producer of artificial vomit
* Reading-born celebrity Kate Winslet thanks the town's culture for public nudity for her many undraped roles in the movie business. "If it wasn't for the young Mr Duck prodding me in the tit when he was buying his wank rags", she says, "I might never have whopped them out for Leonardo di Caprio. God bless you Scary!"
* By bizarre coincidence, Reading, like my newly adopted home town of Weymouth, is also twinned with Your Mum's bedroom. The town, keen to help out its less fortunate citizens, has a long-running programme of sending its tramps and winos on exchange visits.
* Reading is rightly recognised by the United Nations as the world capital of Fat Girl pornography, and as such, the town has its own extreme gravitational field pulling other fat girls towards the Fat Girl Event Horizon, centred in a back room of a knocking shop on the Oxford Road
* In a solemn ceremony held in front of 25,000 at the Madjeski Stadium, the town has offered its thanks to local celebrity Ricky Gervais for putting Reading on the map. After a performance by the Reading Fat Bird Nude Chorus, the Mayor and Bishop of Reading bestowed the title of "That Cunt" on the portly entertainer, before giving him a 100-yard head start from the town's official baying hate mob
Oh Lordy: Scaryduckling strikes again.