Condensed films: Titanic
What's it to be, then? Three-and-a-half hours in front of the box, or the whole thing played out on these pages in a mere 436 words? Sure, you can watch the film if you want, the only consolation being the dappled light playing across Kate Winslet's peachy young breasts, but she pops them out in public anyway if you ask nicely.
So: Titanic, boiled down to a side of A4 paper in the the easy-to-understand language of the MySpace generation. And no Celine Dion, either. It's a win-win.
Captain Smith: Hello. I am Captain Smith and I am excellent. Welcome to TEH TITANIC, which is also excellent.
K. Winslet: ROFFLE. He just said 'tight anus'
Captain Smith: I'm sorry, I have a cold
L.D. Caprio: I love you K. Winslet, but you are rich
K. Winslet: I love you too, L.D. Caprio, but you are poor
Tarquin de Farquar: Also, I am marrying K. Winslet. LOL
K. Winslet: ONOZ! Plz not to marry T.D. Farquar - he is TEH BEASTLY CAD
Tarquin de Farquar: And I'm going to punch L.D. Caprio right in TEH COCK, just for TEH LULZ
K. Winslet: Wanker
L.D. Caprio: Poor people – let me show you them
Poor people: Begorrah! Bejebus!
K. Winslet: LOL! Poor people – they are TEH FUNNAY!
L.D.Caprio: I ARE KNG OF WURLD!
K. Winslet: Plz to draw me nekkid
L.D. Caprio: LOL B00BZ. I haz done them enormous
K. Winslet: And now plz to give me one
L.D. Caprio: WA-HEY-HEY! This day just gets better and better. What, I ask, could possibly go wrong?
Captain Smith: My TIT-ANUS. It is unsinkable
Seaman Stains: ICEBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERG!
Captain Smith: Arse
Seaman Stains: Women and children first!
Tarquin de Farquar: I am a women and children. Plz to let me in the liferaft
Seaman Stains: KK
Tarquin de Farquar: LOLOLOLZ
Seaman Stains: Oh. I have shot myself in the head. Never mind, stiff upper lip and all that. At least teh band's still playing
L.D.Caprio: Do you know any Spandau Ballet?
TEH BAND: Plz to fk off. We're going down like a sinking ship as it is. LOL
K. Winslet: ONOZ! The lifeboats: THEY IZ TEH GON!
L.D. Caprio: Plz to not worry. We can climb to the very top of the ship and we'll be absolutely fine. The way my day's going – having seen your hairy nadge an' all that - everything's going to turn out totally peachy. Just you see
Captain Smith: Ub glub glub glub
Poor people: Ub glub begorrah glub glub bejebus glub
Rich people: I say, this is a pretty poor show, what? I shall complain to the directors of the company in the strongest terms ub glub glub glub
TEH TITANIC: UB GLUB GLUB GLUB
K. Winslet: ONOZ! We are in teh freezing ocean – wiv poor peoplez!
L.D.Caprio: We'll be rescued any minute. Trust me. Ub glub glub I can see your minge from down here LOL glub glub
Roger teh cabin boy: Hello. We are here to rescue you
K. Winslet: My bosoms – let me show you them
Roger teh cabin boy: A hub a hub a hub a hub hub hub
Coming to theatres in 2008: TITANIC II: The Wrath of L.D. Caprio - "He went down twice in one day, and now he's getting even"