On sticking your nose into the dating game where it's not wanted

On sticking your nose into the dating game where it's not wanted

Last week, regular reader Debster found a letter in her local newspaper - the esteemed Richmond and Twickenham Times - which tickled her enough to bring to my attention and post onto her Flickr stream.

Working on the premise that local newspaper editors will print absolutely anything in their postbag, the writer managed to get a perfectly acceptable Viz Letterbocks-style gag into the newspaper last week, which pleased me greatly.

The gist of it was this:

Sir,

I wish to protest most strongly about my recent experience of Starbucks in George Street, Richmond.

You may or may not have noticed that on the door as you enter the coffee shop there is a sign that reads "Pull Here".

I would like to bring attention to the fact that I have visited the shop everyday and I have not pulled once. This is despite being reasonably attractive with symmetrical features and all my limbs still intact.

…etc, for several paragraphs…

Miss L MacDonald

Of course, that sort of thing's red rag to a bull for me these days, and I simply couldn't let it lie:

Dear Sirs,

I note Miss L MacDonald's recent letter in a recent R&T Times bemoaning her lack of success in the dating game despite more than adequate facilities provided by Starbucks in Richmond.

Miss MacDonald may consider herself reasonably attractive, however her inability to "pull" in this particular coffee shop may give the lie to her assumption. Please could the young lady send a recent picture to your newspaper (bikini for preference) for publication so that we - your humble readers - can judge for ourselves? Heaven forbid that she is defaming the good name of Starbucks if she has a face like a melted owl perched on top of Ann Noreen Widdecombe's body.

She might prove me wrong in my assumption. And you never know - she might get lucky!

Yours

Albert O'Balsam, Kew

PS I'll be there next Thursday, 11am, with a rolled-up copy of The Times and big sign saying "Get it here" ("It" being a skinny two-shot Latte with sprinkles)

Did they publish it? He shoots – HE SCORES! (Or, click on pic above to embiggen)

I am allowing myself a few short moments of smug self-satisfaction this morning after getting 'Anne Noreen Widdecombe' and 'face like a melted owl' into the pages of the Fourth Estate.

As I'm feeling particularly generous, I am allowing you to take the rest of the day off.

Take the rest of the day off.