On finding stuff
A misguided attempt to mix mirth, woe and reader participation
Mrs Duck's got an uncle.
Mrs Duck has loads of uncles, the end result of not being able to afford a television.
One of these blood relatives had a Red Indian-style knack of finding stuff. Never stuff he was actually looking for, but random things left in the street that may or may not have some sort of intrinsic value. Uncle was, in fact, a long distance lorry driver, and much of his loot tended to come into his possession in motorway service stations and at the side of the road.
The man had – and probably still has for all I know – a perfectly functioning Other People's Crap Radar which could detect a pound coin down the back of a sofa dumped in a hedge off the A38 ten miles away.
So, the phone rings at a home somewhere in the south of England:
"Hello? Mrs Duck's aunt speaking"
"Hello, Mrs Duck's aunt, this is Mr's Duck's uncle."
"Hello, Mrs Duck's uncle – to what do I owe the pleasure of hearing your voice at this particular time of day, viz: just about to cook your tea."
"That's what I was ringing about Mrs Duck's aunt: don't cook tea tonight. I have it all sorted. All sorted."
"Oooh, I love it when you talk in italics, Mrs Duck's uncle. See you later."
Much, much later, a forty ton truck pulls up outside a house somewhere in the south of England.
"Hello Mrs Duck's aunt! I am home!"
"About time too – where's the dinner you promised, then?"
"Oh ye of little faith, Mrs Duck's aunt. It is in these boxes. Behold!"
She beheld. She beheld in awestruck silence for several seconds.
"It… it… it's a wedding cake, isn't it?"
"Spotter's badge, Mrs Duck's aunt. I found it in a lay-by on the A4. Lucky or what?"
"Well, you eat it. I'm off to the chip shop."
As we draw a discrete veil over this charming little scene where the more demanding reader may - at this point - imagine Mrs Duck's uncle scoffing the lot and being sick inna hedge, we ask "What, then, have you found?"
I set the bar thussly: One DVD copy of the cinematic epic 'Grannys Cumming II', discovered in a skip at Weymouth Municipal Recycling Centre. Free wrinkly porn for the best answer.