On standing up for dog turds
My local rag is in a bit of a tizz about dog poo. Or, to be more accurate, people who allow their dogs to poo everywhere and fail to clear it up.
Living in a town that relies on looking good for the money that tourists bring, you can see their point.
Pooing through peoples' letterboxes, I am happy to say, remains socially acceptable as it remains out of sight and out of mind.
But when you're ankle deep in dog turds, that's another matter altogether.
I might point out at this stage that the lovely fur-faced Lucy Minogue never, ever does a poo, just jasmine-scented deposits that walk themselves to the dog loo.
Dog turds, then, should be deemed socially unacceptable, yet in a lazy, ignorant society that has bred a generation of lazy Rottweiler-wielding bastards, we're going to remain ankle deep in dog turds for some time to come.
That is unless the government uses the same approach to tackle the problem with the same stunning level of success that it has achieved in tackling youth crime, immigration and the long-term unemployed.
Having realised that the older you are, the more likely you are to agree with a Richard Littlejohn editorial in the Daily Mail, it has, frankly, astounded me to come up with the following 100% effective five-point plan:
1. Employ a Poo Tsar on £120k/year. I am ideally suited for this job as the country's authority on doneing a poo, with a further specialisation in sick inna hedge
2. Post a cork to every dog-owning household in the UK, with a full set of instruction. Large print, Braille and foreign-language versions are available. As are Braille corks.
3. Get the local community involved. I plan to get all Premiership football clubs on board with a cunningly-named campaign entitled "Your shit.... ARGH!". Only football fans will get this gag. Sorry.
4. The number of council estate chavs, we notice, holds a direct link to the number of council estate chav dogs shitting all over the place. In order to reduce the number of dogs crapping in the street, we therefore have to cut down on the number of council estate chavs rutting away like monkeys in a zoo. Contraceptive drugs in Pot Noodles. It's far-reaching, but the only way.
5. If all else fails - such as on-the-spot fines and electro-convulsive therapy - follow these curs home and poo through their letterboxes. It's the only language these people understand
On this basis, I shall stand at the next election for the English No Shit Castrate The Scroungers Send Em All Back To Alsatian Or Wherever They Come From Party.
I am not mad.