Foolishly, I said I would send said letter to my local rag if enough of you goaded me.
I confess. I chickened out.
I chickened out, fearing a wave of Rover 75 drivers running me out of town of a tide of stale wee. All was not lost, as I gave it a bit of a re-write, which I sent to the paper with a covering "publish and be damned" note.
Boosh! Thursday's Letter of the Day!
At the risk of repeating a small number of gags from last week, and restoring a number of LOLs that the Echo sub-editors left out, here it is:
Dear Lapdogs of the Capitalist Yankee Puppet Government Propaganda Tool at the Dorset Echo,In the light of these developments, Comrade Kim might have one or two things to tell the Echo about the Weymouth Relief Road, the Portland Olympic sailing regatta and the lack of decent, tasty stray dogs in the area.
On a recent visit into Weymouth town centre to dispense on-the-spot guidance to the brave workers of the Peoples' Republic of Wessex, I was recently approached by a haggard-looking gentleman in a disused shop doorway. Convinced he was trying to tap me for loose change, I was somewhat relieved to find that he was merely touting for signatures for a petition against current plans for the Weymouth Pavilion peninsula.
Recovering from my shock, I was rather dismayed to read their unrealistic list of demands, revolving around half-truths, scare tactics and the preservation of the Ocean Room in a 1950s time warp they once saw on an old episode of Doctor Who.
In the spirit of these demands surrounding the proposed eminently sensible mixed private/public use of the Pavilion site, I'd like to add - as a member of the pro-development silent majority and dictator of a small roped-off area in South East Asia - my own list of requirements if we are to turn Weymouth into Dorset's premier coastal resort:
- Vegas-style super-casino with Celine Dion and Jim Davidson in residency (by which I mean 'locked in a cell')
- Medium-range cruise missile system targeted on Bournemouth, just in case
- Twin, floodlit 200-foot statues of Kylie and Dannii Minogue guarding the entrance to Weymouth Harbour, just like in "Lord of the Rings", which would play "I should be so lucky" as a warning to shipping in times of fog and inclement weather
- Personal Jet-pack hire shop and landing strip to replace the so-called not-a-train-at-all Land Train
- A theme park dedicated to the town of Weymouth's greatest contribution to British history: Black Death Happy Fun Land
- Four words: Revolutionary Dictator Crazy Golf
Unrealistic demands? They started it.
Kim Jong Il, People's Military-First Revolutionary Secret Underground Bunker, Castletown, Portland
I am not mad.