Five being the number of Tales of Mirth and Woe for you to choose from, the number being: FIVE. Vote, if you please, for the story you wish to appear on these pages tomorrow, in which projectile vomiting, fecal matter, public displays of nudity and violent explosions are virtually guranteed.
The vote-o quote-os are sourced from The House of Lies, and their value, as always, may go down as well as up. Use them wisely.
* Shandy: Nothing to do with any alleged footballing talent, young Beckham gets his 'Goldenballs' nickname from a well-documented teenage masturbatory accident with a tin of spray paint
* Top Gun: Already known for its perceived homo-erotic imagery, not-bummy-at-all Tom Cruise's lead character Maverick in the movie Top Gun was originally to be called 'The Indian out of the Village People, Lightly Oiled'
* Wem-ber-ley: What happens to the previous years' winners on The Apprentice? Alan Sugar has them ritually killed on the first day of filming, and fed to the new set of contestants. Recycling at its finest
* My Lovely Horse: Thanks to a mix-up at the United Nations top-heavy orange-skinned glamour model Jordan is to spend the next two years as a member of the UN Security Council. Meanwhile, King Abdullah II is to write a number of steamy and barely adequate novels whilst appearing in a fly-on-the-wall documentary with Peter Andre
* Invisible Touch: In the shops next Monday - "Ready, Steady Gogogoch: The Best Welsh Pop Album In The World... Ever, Isn't It?" featuring Evans 17 and Dafydd Bowie
And while you're here, tell us some outrageous untruths of your own. I could do with
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