On sticking your nose into English football where it's not wanted

On sticking your nose into English football where it's not wanted

In which North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il dispenses on-the-spot guidance to the Football Association on how to save the English game from CERTAIN DOOM - a plan which may or may not involve sexual congress with Kylie Minogue.

Now look what's happened.

The Dorset Echo, by publishing my recent not-barking-mad-at-all letter have only gone to encourage me, whilst others have gone so far as suggesting that I should continue Mr Kim's correspondence with the view of publishing his collected works in book form. Only about another 49 letters to write, then.

I was just about ready to drop the idea, when I spotted Fraser's big idea on how English football should be saved from itself by offering the manager's job on a rotating basis.

He's wrong, of course. Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il is ready and waiting to send his telling On-The-Spot Guidance to the English Football Association.

Dear The FA

Congratulations on finally getting Wembley Stadium rebuilt with a decent manager at the helm of the England team!

Of course, in any military-first, Juche ideology-based governmental system, such as the one I am fortunate enough to operate, heads would have rolled years ago and you would have had that pesky capitalist Ken Bates out of your hair faster than you could say "running dog western lackey".

I can't help feeling, however, that there is something missing from the entire Wembley experience. A certain je ne sais quoi (if you'll pardon my French) that is the elephant in the room of the English game.

The Twin Towers.

Bold statement that the new Wembley Arch is, the oversized coat-hanger doesn't invoke the sense of national pride that the Twin Towers did. The White Horse final. Spirit of 1966. Ticketless scousers shinning up the drainpipes. All part of the national psyche, all gone.

Don't fret. We can still rescue the situation with a few minor alterations to the existing design at almost negligible cost to the Football Association's coffers. Thirty million's small change to an organisation that can pay Sven AND McClaren to sit at home and do nothing for a couple of years. I've built an entire nuclear programme on cigarette coupons and the change down the back of the sofa, so I should know.

It's simple. Get rid of the arch. I'd even take it off your hands for a tenner, and save all the grief of having to look up a reputable builder in the Yellow Pages. Besides, I need the steel for the People's World Peace and Friendship Ballistic Missile Launcher and Die You Yankee Puppet Aggressors Theme Park, if you don't mind.

Frankly, it's only a matter of time before a misguided goal kick gets wedged up there, and this sort of design flaw - along with the diversion of the legendary Wembley River of Piss away from the stadium concourse where it has flowed for nigh on eighty years - only brings Wembley's good name into disrepute.

In the place of the arch, my wide-reaching customer research of English football fans suggests that the replacements for this misguided folly should be:

- Floodlit, 300-foot statue of the popular singer Kylie Minogue

- Floodlit, 300-foot statue of the popular singer Kylie Minogue's wonky-faced sister Dannii

They may be colonials, but, by gum, they're our colonials, and I dare say that many an England fan would be proud to stand between their legs, gazing up at those magnificent antipodean curves before entering The Venue of Legends, dreaming of Hurst's hat-trick, that Russian linesman and three-up action with pop's hottest sisters.

Draped or undraped is up to you, but frankly, I'd go for the latter.

I hope you take this suggestion seriously, as without these important changes, English football is DOOMED.

Yours etc

Kim Jong-Il, People's Revolutionary Military-First Secret Bunker, The Trophy Room, Weymouth Football Ground, Dorset

PS I am not mad

You know the drill. Get me sixty-nine comments, and those curs at 25 Soho Square get their on-the-spot guidance.