Condensed Films: The Omen
The scariest film in the world, starring Gregory Peck, Chancellor Gorkon out of Star Trek and Ronnie and Reggie Kray's mum in the original version - guaranteed to make you SICK WITH TERROR. All reduced down to about 800 finely-crafted words in the language of today's easily-bored Saw-obsessed youth for your safety and convenience.
If you are not SICK WITH TERROR, please apply to the usual address for a full refund.
American Ambassador: Hello. I am teh American Ambassador to London, and I am excellent. Here, have a Ferrero Rocher. Arse, I appear to have blown my brains out and killed myself TO DETH
G. Pecker: Now I am teh American Ambassador to London, and I am even more excellent that the last guy, LOL. Here, have a Ferrero Rocher Om nom nom
Mrs Ambassador: Oh, look. I have dropped a sprog
Evil satanic nuns: Yoinks! We've done the old switcheroo and now they have TEH SON OF STAN... err... SANTA... err... SATAN. LOLOLOLOLevilLOLOL
G. Peck: We shall call him Dave. Dave Satan, LOL
Mrs Ambassador: I like the sound of Damian, because that's not at all satanic
G. Peck: Dave Satan it is, then. Have a Ferrero Rocher
Dave Satan's nice, angelic nanny: ONOZ! I have been possessed by TEH DEVIL and have killed myself TO DETH
Dave Satan's evil, satanic nanny: Nothing to do with me, guv
G. Peck: You're hired. Have a Ferrero Rocher. It is curs-ed
Dave Satan's evil, satanic nanny: Curs-ed F. Rocher is FULL OF WIN
Chancellor Gorkon out of Star Trek: Hello, I am one of Britain's finest character actors and I am excellent. May I be the first to point out that your son is evil – EVIL!
G. Peck: Die in a fire, you dreadful cnt. No tasty Ferrero Rocher hazelnut-and-chocklit goodness for you, FFS
Teh 2nd Doctor Who: He's right you know. He is TEH DEVIL INCARNATE, and now I am going to hang around Bishop's Park in Fulham until I am killed TO DETH, just to prove it
Some time later
Teh 2nd Doctor Who: Any minute now, eh readers?
Some more time later
Teh 2nd Doctor Who: Ouch. Completely arse-to-tit
Mrs Ambassador: Also, the little shit's just kicked me down the stairs, FFS
Dave Satan's evil, satanic nanny: LOLOLOLOL
D. Satan: I LOled. I LOLed out loud
Teh 2nd Doctor Who: See? Evil? And can somebody get this flag pole out of my arse? It hurts to buggery, FFS
G. Peck: OK, you might have a point. Ferrero Rocher, anyone? Nom nom nom
C. Gorkon: I could have been in the diplomatic corps, you know, but for the nut allergy. Brings me out all lumpy, for it is FULL of FAIL
G. Pecker: LOL. Also - On nom nom nom
C. Gorkon: Also, the hospital where D Satan was born is completely destroyed. All who were in it are TEH DED, and people who ask too many pointed questions end up wearing their vital organs inside-out, ROFL
G. Peck: Even teh evil satanic nuns?
C. Gorkon: Peeled, dipped in salt and eaten lightly fried in a delicate parsley sauce by starving lesbians
G. Peck: No need to labour the point. *boilk* Right inna Ferrero Rocher-flavour hedge
Mrs Ambassador: ONOZ, To cap it all, I have fallen out of the hospital window. TO DETH. Damn you Dave Satan!
D. Satan: LOL
C. Gorkon: I have dug up this handy grave to find D Satan's real mother. How handy
G. Peck: So, she's a dog. A DED dog. Ken Dodd's dad's dog. Which is DED. And remember kids: Don't give chocklit to dogs, it's poisonous. Not even those wonderful, wonderful F. Rochers
C. Gorkon: Now you must kill not-your-son D Satan TO DETH with these handy, sacred knifes from the Field of Armageddon before we are eaten TO DETH by rabid, evil hell hounds. Yours for just three easy payments to the Franklin Mint
Rabid, evil hell hounds: RARF bitey bitey RAAARF. Tasty G. Peck Om nom nom
G. Peck: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
C. Gorkon: Actually, it's ARM-A-GEDDON out of here, LOL
G. Peck: I cannot kill D Satan, cos he's FAMLEE. I hope your head falls off, or something, ROFL
C. Gorkon: ONOZ! My hed has fallen off and gone bouncy bouncy bouncy down the street. FAIL
G. Peck: LOL. Oh wait... Now I suppose I've got to kill D Satan TO DETH now
Dave Satan's evil, satanic nanny: And what time do you call this? FFS
G. Peck: It's killin' D Satan's evil, satanic nanny TO DETH time, LOL
Dave Satan's evil, satanic nanny: Not the face, plz. I've still got to do TEH KRAYS.
G. Peck: Oh, if you insist, FFS
Dave Satan's evil, satanic nanny: Gloik! DETH by F. Rocher, nice touch
G. Peck: Now to kill D Satan TO DETH
D Satan: ONOZ! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
D Satan Sr: Oh, FFS. Kids, eh? Sending some of my best mad shooty police bastards right now
Mad shooty police bastards: Shooty shooty bang bang bang! We love being mad shooty bastards, best job in the world, LOL
G. Peck: Oh COCK, I am TEH DED and D SATAN stalks TEH EARTH
D Satan: Nice one lads
Mad shooty police bastards: No probs, kid. See you at Stockwell Tube
D Satan: Little bit of politics, like it
Mad shooty police bastards: Watch your lip, boy, or I'll... Oh, my head has fallen off. FAIL
D Satan: Now to take over the world, or something. LOLOLevilLOLOLOL
TEH END. Or is it? (Answer: No)