"'Ere, Duck, take a look at this," says my esteemed pal 'Spikes' Walker, summoning me over to where he is reading a well-known adult-oriented publication.
No, not that sort of adult-oriented publication.
It is a copy of this month's Viz Comic, opened to the latest update to Roger's Profanisaurus, the dictionary of filth.
"This one..." says the Swiss Toni-alike, pointing.
And I read:
Tit window: The opportunity, in any conversation or meeting with a young lady, to stare at her breasts whilst she is distracted by other matters. An art form that can be both challenging and rewarding."You disgust me," I reply, not disgusted in the slightest.
Disgusted I might have been, but Spikes has a habit of putting things into my head that refuse to leave. I cannot, for example, look at a pillow without unnatural thoughts forcing me to go and jump in the fish pond until the affected parts are soothed.
And that, I am sad to say, is exactly what happened this very weekend. A weekend where I spent an evening discussing the implications of the recent fall in the Bank of England's base lending rate with my charming wife, in the light of forthcoming changes in business terms with our current mortgage lender.
"So, according to this letter from the bank," she says, well on top of financial matters as usual, "Despite our lock-in period ending, we'll still be better off than new business customers who will be paying at least... WHAT are you doing?"
Alas, my new way of life compels me to speak with complete honesty.
"And what, pray, is that?"
I tell her.
"You've been talking to Spikes Walker again, haven't you?"
"Yes. Yes I have."
"You disgust me. And when you see Spikes, tell him he disgusts me as well. And to think I had him as such a charming gentleman."
I agree, and apologise for my unacceptable behaviour, which would, in all honestly, have me flayed alive and fed to the lezzers in any council office in this once-proud Kingdom. But still...
"HEY! Look over there!"
"Stop it. NOW."
Sometimes I disgust even myself.
Edit: I am told there is a genuine tit window at this location.