Monday, November 10, 2008

On The Stig

On The Stig

"Dad", says the boy Scaryduck Junior as another wave of inneffectual Manchester United attackers bear down on Manuel Almunia's goal.

"Not now son," I say. The lad's never quite grasped this whole football-watching thing, and his sense of timing also needs some work.

"But..." he continues, as the Arsenal's northern foes get a goal back in the 90th minute, sparking another ten of what is scientifically known as 'squeaky bum time'. "But... I know who The Stig is"


"The Stig. From Top Gear."

I humour him, for the memory of the recent T*tt*nh*m collapse - where, such are the standards we set ourselves, a spectacular 4-4 draw can only be seen as a crushing defeat - is still fresh in my mind, and my boot is poised to go through yet another TV screen: "Oh, go on then. Who is it?"

"Joe Pasquale."

"What? WHAT?"

I've spent the previous ninety minutes in a blissful Arsenal bubble. Nerves and a lack of beer money led me to eschew the comforts of The Old Castle for my favourite armchair, SKY Sports and all the cheesy Doritos in the world.

And how I have been rewarded. Banished are the recent nightmares of the Spuds and Stoke City. Instead, a superb team performance that sees off The Forces of Darkness.

And, at the end of all this, the true identity of The Stig.

Joe Pasquale. Everybody's favourite helium-voiced, middle-of-the-road comedian.

"So, what you're telling me lad, is that Joe Pasquale - a man not entirely known for his driving skills - is, in fact, the greatest racing driver in the world?"

"Yes. Yes I am. Think about it, Dad. You never hear him speak, do you? If I were Pasquale, I'd keep my mouth shut too if I had a top gig like that."

You've got to admit, the boy's got a point. You never see them in the same room, do you?

And now it's on the internet, it is OFFICIAL and rules out other, well-known candidates:

* Dawn French
* Baroness Thatcher
* Ken Lee
* Basil Brush

Go on, tell me: Who's NOT The Stig?

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