On cut-price airlines
Don't you just hate the way these budget airlines try to screw every last penny out of you?
"Thank you for flying QuEasyJet, and welcome to our service to within two hundred miles of Milan. If you would like a seat for this flight, deckchairs are still available from any member of the flight crew.
"Please pay close attention to the safety demonstration. Safety instructions can also be found on the information card, which is available for five pounds from flight attendants.
"In case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the space above your head. Please place the mask over your face, insert two pounds to start the flow of oxygen, and breathe normally. It is against company policy to allow two or more people to share an oxygen mask, and appropriate measures will be taken against transgressors.
"Should the aircraft ditch in water, please swipe your credit card on the reader mounted on the back of your seat to release your life jacket. There is a charge of 50p for each go on the escape slide.
"Please note that there is no smoking permitted on this aircraft, except in the smoking area that comprises rows 15 to 20. There is a smokers' surcharge of twenty pounds payable, and, for your convenience, passengers may only smoke our own brand QuEasyTabs, priced at a pound each.
"Today's captain is Gladys Bonkers of Pontypridd who has paid five hundred notes for the privilege of having a go at landing a plane on this, her 85th birthday. Gift vouchers are available.
We will be landing in Milan in approximately two hours, and connecting flights to Milan's actual airport are available at an extra supplement if you prefer not to take the three-hour taxi ride to the city centre."
Bugger that, I'll walk.