Condensed Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet
This is all the fault of The Internet's Cliff Jones.
"What S. Duck needs to do", he said in a recent I Am Livid podcast, "is condensed Shakespeare. It would be full of WIN."
So, after going out against my will and having to read some actual works of the Bard, here it is.
Rmo & Jlt by W. Shkspr
Chorus: Two houses
Hate each others guts
And want to stick a sword
Up each others butts
A pair of star-crssd lovers
In this age of Elizabeth
Will obviously end up
Totally kill'd TO DETH
Rmo: Hello. I am Rmo, and I am EXCELLENT. Wait...what? I get killed TO DETH?
Chorus: No ...err... nothing. Just a pome what I wrote. Nothing
Mrcutio: U R a Gaylord LOL
Tblt: U R a Gaylord LOLOLOL
Mrcutio: U R a Gaylord times INFINITY, no returns. There may also be some thumb-biting
Tblt: You UTTER bummer
TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: Stop this fighting, or I will have you all KILLED TO DETH
Mrcutio: Yes boss. Plz to not kill us all TO DETH, I have a party tonight in which I hope to get Rmo laid
Tblt: You fckng arselicker
TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: God, I love being TEH PRINCE OF FCKNG VERONA. Best job in the world
Jlt: Hello, I am Juliet and I am EXCELLENT. I am also thirteen years old and therefore jailbait
Rmo: A hub a hub a hub a hub a hub hub
Mrcutio: Dude, she's thirteen
Rmo: Yeah, I'm the leader of the gang, I am
Tblt: Heh. Time to gatecrash this party, LOL
Rmo: Oh, fck off
Jlt: Oh, he's SO dishy
Rmo: Bllcks to this, I'm off to sit below this handy balcony. But sft! Wht lght frm yndr wndw brks?
Jlt: Rmo Rmo WTF art thou Rmo?
Rmo: Here 4 am I art LOL
Jlt: Oh, you is so lush
Rmo: A hub a hub a hub a hub hub
Father Lawrence: Dude, she's thirteen
Rmo: But I wuv her and want to marry her. For her mind, like
Jlt: Is married like getting a new pony?
Rmo: Yes. Yes it is
Father Lawrence: Hey, I'm Catholic. We've been doing this for centuries
Rmo: Cheers, priest dood. Owe you one
Tblt: Rmo, you gr8 Gaylord, I challenge you to a fight, LOL
Rmo: Fck off, FFS, or I'll cut you wiv my flicky, innit
Mrcutio: No worries Rmo. I shall fight him for you. Oh. That hurts
Rmo: I dare say he's killed you TO DETH
Mrcutio: A plg on bth yr hses!
Rmo: A what?
Mercutio: A fkng plg. Oh cock, I am TEH DED, you know
Tblt: LOL. Oh Rmo has also killed me TO DETH
Rmo: I am FULL of WIN, LOLOLOLOL
TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: Now I'm pissed off. Rmo, you are so DED. Also, dude, she's thirteen
Jlt: You think that's bad. I've got to marry the creepy Paris dude – despite being only thirteen – and I am already married to Rmo. Despite being only thirteen. It's worse than Take a Break round here.
Nursie: Never mind, bunnykins, a nice bit of nursie's milky-wilky will do you good. Wait while I pop one out
Jlt: I wish I was TEH DED so I won't have to marry ANYONE, and daddy might get me a new pony. Now that's an idea, LOLOL
Apocthrert ...err... Apocerather ...err... Chemist: Here is some POISON that probably won't kill you TO DETH
Jlt: Hot piss, what cld possibly go wrong? Ub glub glub glub
Rmo: ONOZ! Jlt is TEH DED!
Jlt: ONOZ! I have woken up and Rmo is TEH DED! I'll just have to kill myself TO DETH again
Teh Montagus: Now that our dearest children are TEH DED we have seen the error of our ways. We should celebrate the joining of our families in this tragic hour with a slap-up McDonalds blow out
Teh Crapulets: You cnt, it's Burger King or nothing
TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: The pair of silly gits are now up the shitter
Because, dude, she was thirteen and he liked Gary Glitter
And never has there been such a Tale of Mirth and Woe
As that daft bint Jlt and that pervy twunt Rmo
Next day's Verona Daily Mail headline: KNIFE CRIME TOFF IN PAEDO SUICIDE PACT