Thursday, November 06, 2008

Condensed Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet

Condensed Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet

This is all the fault of The Internet's Cliff Jones.

"What S. Duck needs to do", he said in a recent I Am Livid podcast, "is condensed Shakespeare. It would be full of WIN."

So, after going out against my will and having to read some actual works of the Bard, here it is.

Rmo & Jlt by W. Shkspr

Chorus: Two houses
Hate each others guts
And want to stick a sword
Up each others butts
A pair of star-crssd lovers
In this age of Elizabeth
Will obviously end up
Totally kill'd TO DETH

Rmo: Hello. I am Rmo, and I am EXCELLENT. Wait...what? I get killed TO DETH?

Chorus: No ...err... nothing. Just a pome what I wrote. Nothing

Mrcutio: U R a Gaylord LOL

Tblt: U R a Gaylord LOLOLOL

Mrcutio: U R a Gaylord times INFINITY, no returns. There may also be some thumb-biting

Tblt: You UTTER bummer

TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: Stop this fighting, or I will have you all KILLED TO DETH

Mrcutio: Yes boss. Plz to not kill us all TO DETH, I have a party tonight in which I hope to get Rmo laid

Tblt: You fckng arselicker

TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: God, I love being TEH PRINCE OF FCKNG VERONA. Best job in the world

Jlt: Hello, I am Juliet and I am EXCELLENT. I am also thirteen years old and therefore jailbait

Rmo: A hub a hub a hub a hub a hub hub

Mrcutio: Dude, she's thirteen

Rmo: Yeah, I'm the leader of the gang, I am

Tblt: Heh. Time to gatecrash this party, LOL

Rmo: Oh, fck off

Jlt: Oh, he's SO dishy

Rmo: Bllcks to this, I'm off to sit below this handy balcony. But sft! Wht lght frm yndr wndw brks?

Jlt: Rmo Rmo WTF art thou Rmo?

Rmo: Here 4 am I art LOL

Jlt: Oh, you is so lush

Rmo: A hub a hub a hub a hub hub

Father Lawrence: Dude, she's thirteen

Rmo: But I wuv her and want to marry her. For her mind, like

Jlt: Is married like getting a new pony?

Rmo: Yes. Yes it is

Jlt: Hooray!

Father Lawrence: Hey, I'm Catholic. We've been doing this for centuries

Rmo: Cheers, priest dood. Owe you one

Tblt: Rmo, you gr8 Gaylord, I challenge you to a fight, LOL

Rmo: Fck off, FFS, or I'll cut you wiv my flicky, innit

Mrcutio: No worries Rmo. I shall fight him for you. Oh. That hurts

Rmo: I dare say he's killed you TO DETH

Mrcutio: A plg on bth yr hses!

Rmo: A what?

Mercutio: A fkng plg. Oh cock, I am TEH DED, you know

Tblt: LOL. Oh Rmo has also killed me TO DETH

Rmo: I am FULL of WIN, LOLOLOLOL

TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: Now I'm pissed off. Rmo, you are so DED. Also, dude, she's thirteen

Jlt: You think that's bad. I've got to marry the creepy Paris dude – despite being only thirteen – and I am already married to Rmo. Despite being only thirteen. It's worse than Take a Break round here.

Nursie: Never mind, bunnykins, a nice bit of nursie's milky-wilky will do you good. Wait while I pop one out

Jlt: I wish I was TEH DED so I won't have to marry ANYONE, and daddy might get me a new pony. Now that's an idea, LOLOL

Apocthrert ...err... Apocerather ...err... Chemist: Here is some POISON that probably won't kill you TO DETH

Jlt: Hot piss, what cld possibly go wrong? Ub glub glub glub

Rmo: ONOZ! Jlt is TEH DED!

Jlt: ONOZ! I have woken up and Rmo is TEH DED! I'll just have to kill myself TO DETH again

Teh Montagus: Now that our dearest children are TEH DED we have seen the error of our ways. We should celebrate the joining of our families in this tragic hour with a slap-up McDonalds blow out

Teh Crapulets: You cnt, it's Burger King or nothing

TEH PRINCE OF VERONA: The pair of silly gits are now up the shitter
Because, dude, she was thirteen and he liked Gary Glitter
And never has there been such a Tale of Mirth and Woe
As that daft bint Jlt and that pervy twunt Rmo

Next day's Verona Daily Mail headline: KNIFE CRIME TOFF IN PAEDO SUICIDE PACT

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