Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Condensed history: The Norman Conquest

Condensed history: The Norman Conquest

The Battle of Hastings was the world's first rolling news event, documented and reported in the cutting-edge medium of sewing by dead French ladies. However, nobody does sewing these days, so it is high time the whole affair was retold in a language today's modern youth will understand: Txt spk and TOP LOLZ.

NOTE: Value of historical accuracy may go down as well as up


Condensed History: TEH NORMAN CONQUEST starring almost nobody called Norman

Edward Confessor: Hello. I am Edward the Confessor and I am excellent. I confess that I am not feeling very well and may actually DIE TO DEATH within three paragraphs

William T. CONQUEROR: C'est un buggeur, lordship. Any thoughts for ze succession? Eh? EH?

Ed Confessor: Yeah, all yours French bloke. Frankly, I'm losing my marbles and I'd give the job to a footstool if somebody put a crown on it LOL

William T. CONQUEROR: Woo-hoo!

Ed Confessor: Here come the icy hand of DETH and guaranteed SAINTHOOD. *ded* Oh hang on… I promised the job to the lad Harold last week. Oh, never mind – what could possibly go wrong?

William T CONQUEROR: EPIC WIN. Now for some proper ruling, LOL

TEH PLEBS: All hail TEH KING!

William T CONQUEROR: LOLOL, and indeed ROFFLE

TEH PLEBS: All hail King Harold!

William T CONQUEROR: Quoi? Zut alors!

King Harold: Hello. I am King Harold and I am EXCELLENT. Plz to fck off back to France, so I can get on with some serious kinging and pressing of wild flowers etc

William T CONQUEROR: Oui? You an' who's army, pal?

King Harold: This one

Ten thousand hairy-arsed Saxons: Hello

William T. CONQUEROR: Arse. You haven't heard the last of me, your mother was an 'amster etc etc etc

King Harold: Now to get married, have filthy KING SEX and pretend not to worry about W.T. CONQUEROR who is a wet and a weed who sa hello clouds hello sky chiz chiz

William T. CONQUEROR: Soon see about that. WIFE! Pass my best messenger pigeons, ZUT ALORS

Madam T. CONQUEROR: You're writing dirty letters to Fiesta again, aren't you FFS?

William T. CONQUEROR: Knave, actually LOLOL

Madam T. CONQUEROR: You manky old spunker. UR not getting TEH SEXXUS until UR TEH KING

William T. CONQUEROR: "Dear Vikings, Pls to invade England, just like we planned. Bonus - all the rape, pillage and TOP LULZ you can eat. Your Pal, W.T CONQUEROR (LOL)"

N. Wisdom: Is it time for my 'Mr Grimsdale!' line yet?

Madam T. CONQUEROR: Cock off

Meanwhile, back in England...

King Harold: Crazy golf or beheadings? Being King is TEH BORING. Plz to find teh royal copy of THE SUN

Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Here it is, my liege. I'll just ...err... tidy away all this silverware in this large sack, along with this crown you don't appear to be wearing, LOL

King Harold: Let's have a look at the old footie fixtures... Wank me off with a baboon! We're at Stamford Bridge. To-fucking-night! ARSE! Send for my ten thousand hairy-arsed Saxons, FFS

Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Will sir be requiring the Vaseline as well?

Harald Hardrade: Hello. I am hairy-arsed Harald Hardrade and I am EXCELLENT. Today, I shall be fighting Saxon pansy King Harold at Stamford Bridge. 3pm kick-off, seats at all prices. Oh, I am TEH DED

King Harold
: LOLOLOLOL. I am this: HARD AS NAILS

Meanwhile, at the other end of the M1...

William T.CONQUEROR: Bonjour Angleterre! LOL. Where's that king-stealing ponce Harold?

King Harold: Oh, FFS. If it's not one thing it's another

N. Wisdom: Mr Grimsdale?

King Harold: NOB OFF

William T.CONQUEROR: So. My arch-nemesis - we meet again, but for ze final time

King Harold: Yeah? You an' whose army?

Ten Thousand Stinking Frenchmen: Bonjour!

King Harold: EASY

Imagine – if you will, dear reader – a pitched battle on England's green and pleasant land between two large, determined armies. A battle which will shape the future of both our great nation and the world as we know it. Then sew it into a fucking great bit of needlework and nail it to a church in France

King Harold: Heh. I love being King. Best job in the world

Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Hey look up there! The Goodyear blimp!

King Harold: COCK. Right in the eye. Oh, I am ded

N. Wisdom: Mr Grimsdale! Mr Grimsdale! UR crown – I haz it

William T.CONQUEROR: LOLOLOL Now for some proper kinging

Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Anything you say, boss

William T.CONQUEROR: Yes. First I shall set up a large and wide-ranging bureaucracy. Then, once I have recruited and trained by legion of official inspectors and ensured they are fully aware of all discrimination and health and safety regulations, we shall document each and every man, woman and child in this kingdom for the purposes of accurate and efficient economic policy and taxation at a financially prudent rate in my DOOMSDAY BOOK and… (continued on page 65)

Poor, dead King Harold: EPIC FAIL. Your fault

Poor, dead Saint Ed Confessor: SOZ. LOLZ

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