The Battle of Hastings was the world's first rolling news event, documented and reported in the cutting-edge medium of sewing by dead French ladies. However, nobody does sewing these days, so it is high time the whole affair was retold in a language today's modern youth will understand: Txt spk and TOP LOLZ.
NOTE: Value of historical accuracy may go down as well as up
Condensed History: TEH NORMAN CONQUEST starring almost nobody called Norman
Edward Confessor: Hello. I am Edward the Confessor and I am excellent. I confess that I am not feeling very well and may actually DIE TO DEATH within three paragraphsWilliam T. CONQUEROR: C'est un buggeur, lordship. Any thoughts for ze succession? Eh? EH?
Ed Confessor: Yeah, all yours French bloke. Frankly, I'm losing my marbles and I'd give the job to a footstool if somebody put a crown on it LOL
William T. CONQUEROR: Woo-hoo!
Ed Confessor: Here come the icy hand of DETH and guaranteed SAINTHOOD. *ded* Oh hang on… I promised the job to the lad Harold last week. Oh, never mind – what could possibly go wrong?
William T CONQUEROR: EPIC WIN. Now for some proper ruling, LOL
TEH PLEBS: All hail TEH KING!
William T CONQUEROR: LOLOL, and indeed ROFFLE
TEH PLEBS: All hail King Harold!
William T CONQUEROR: Quoi? Zut alors!
King Harold: Hello. I am King Harold and I am EXCELLENT. Plz to fck off back to France, so I can get on with some serious kinging and pressing of wild flowers etc
William T CONQUEROR: Oui? You an' who's army, pal?
King Harold: This one
Ten thousand hairy-arsed Saxons: Hello
William T. CONQUEROR: Arse. You haven't heard the last of me, your mother was an 'amster etc etc etc
King Harold: Now to get married, have filthy KING SEX and pretend not to worry about W.T. CONQUEROR who is a wet and a weed who sa hello clouds hello sky chiz chiz
William T. CONQUEROR: Soon see about that. WIFE! Pass my best messenger pigeons, ZUT ALORS
Madam T. CONQUEROR: You're writing dirty letters to Fiesta again, aren't you FFS?
William T. CONQUEROR: Knave, actually LOLOL
Madam T. CONQUEROR: You manky old spunker. UR not getting TEH SEXXUS until UR TEH KING
William T. CONQUEROR: "Dear Vikings, Pls to invade England, just like we planned. Bonus - all the rape, pillage and TOP LULZ you can eat. Your Pal, W.T CONQUEROR (LOL)"
N. Wisdom: Is it time for my 'Mr Grimsdale!' line yet?
Madam T. CONQUEROR: Cock off
Meanwhile, back in England...
King Harold: Crazy golf or beheadings? Being King is TEH BORING. Plz to find teh royal copy of THE SUN
Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Here it is, my liege. I'll just ...err... tidy away all this silverware in this large sack, along with this crown you don't appear to be wearing, LOL
King Harold: Let's have a look at the old footie fixtures... Wank me off with a baboon! We're at Stamford Bridge. To-fucking-night! ARSE! Send for my ten thousand hairy-arsed Saxons, FFS
Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Will sir be requiring the Vaseline as well?
Harald Hardrade: Hello. I am hairy-arsed Harald Hardrade and I am EXCELLENT. Today, I shall be fighting Saxon pansy King Harold at Stamford Bridge. 3pm kick-off, seats at all prices. Oh, I am TEH DED
King Harold: LOLOLOLOL. I am this: HARD AS NAILS
Meanwhile, at the other end of the M1...
William T.CONQUEROR: Bonjour Angleterre! LOL. Where's that king-stealing ponce Harold?
King Harold: Oh, FFS. If it's not one thing it's another
N. Wisdom: Mr Grimsdale?
King Harold: NOB OFF
William T.CONQUEROR: So. My arch-nemesis - we meet again, but for ze final time
King Harold: Yeah? You an' whose army?
Ten Thousand Stinking Frenchmen: Bonjour!
King Harold: EASY
Imagine – if you will, dear reader – a pitched battle on England's green and pleasant land between two large, determined armies. A battle which will shape the future of both our great nation and the world as we know it. Then sew it into a fucking great bit of needlework and nail it to a church in France
King Harold: Heh. I love being King. Best job in the world
Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Hey look up there! The Goodyear blimp!King Harold: COCK. Right in the eye. Oh, I am ded
N. Wisdom: Mr Grimsdale! Mr Grimsdale! UR crown – I haz it
William T.CONQUEROR: LOLOLOL Now for some proper kinging
Guest appearance by Royal butler and not-a-thief-at-all Paul Burrell: Anything you say, boss
William T.CONQUEROR: Yes. First I shall set up a large and wide-ranging bureaucracy. Then, once I have recruited and trained by legion of official inspectors and ensured they are fully aware of all discrimination and health and safety regulations, we shall document each and every man, woman and child in this kingdom for the purposes of accurate and efficient economic policy and taxation at a financially prudent rate in my DOOMSDAY BOOK and… (continued on page 65)
Poor, dead King Harold: EPIC FAIL. Your fault
Poor, dead Saint Ed Confessor: SOZ. LOLZ
62 comments:
First?!
Yay for condensed battles.
Zut alors!
Turd
You forgot the most important bit - William was not known as William teh conqueror until much later. At the time he was William teh Bastard. FACT.
William the Bastard? That's what we called my grandad.
900 years later we won the World Cup!!!!!!!
Morning Bezzies!!!!!!!!!
"...sewing by dead French ladies". English ones actually, probably in Kent.
Debster is correct too.
Top post, I LOLd.
DavidK
I was looking for some coverage of the epic events of yesterday, and find you are over 900 years behind the times.
Back to the Daily Express for me.
Apparently there's at least two panels of the Bayeux Tapestry missing. Now we know why.
I blame Rupert Murdoch for the death of the tapestry broadsheet.
p.s. I believe they call him "Merde" in France.
THERE. I have added a disclaimer on historical inaccuracy.
Happy?
Nope, I still have to type my name and password each time. Plz to fix it.
I cannae - it's your computer's own privacy setting.
Now a tapestry VDU... there's an idea.
William the Bastaerd was a Viking surely? So he'd have spoken like the Swedish Chef in the Muppet Show. On the postive side Mrs William the Bastard would have been a Swedish sex-bomb.
Dammit I cannot make it less private. It only started this malarkey a couple of days ago and only on your site ...
Bastard Blogger. I'm sick of being anonymous but it won't let me log back in.
By the way, the ladies were Norman (Normandy French) but the tapestry would have been sown in England.
Tzonar.
See? See? Its not only me.
Debster
And JM - I feel very hurt that you did not reply to my comment.
"but the tapestry would have been sown in England."
They grew the thing?
snigger
German T
GT, you too could have a glittering career as a poofreader.
German T: It was made from all natural products, so yes! why not?
Mostly grown anyway, some things would have been imported (silk).
Pedant!!
Tzonar.
It would appear the only decent commenters are those with real bonefide blogs that get posted to every once in a while. That'll be why Tzonar and Debster can't get the sodding thing to remember them.
Excellent!
Any other historical bits in the works?
Rik: Be careful, don't upset Debster.
Tzonar.
Tzonem, was it YOU all along who was threatening NOT to vote for me in the bloggies/flirting???????
LOL
ALL makes sense now
Rik - you might be bigger than me but I am a walking disaster area. Its like living at the eye of the hurricane.
And JM - still wondering why you never reply to me. Dont you want to play any more? You never even sent me your phone number.
Tzonar, I am still persuaded that it is an English work; even ignoring the known skills of A/S women (such as Leofgyth of Wiltshire and the Winchester school), where there is no known tradition in Normandy, and Wormald's indentification of several images such as the bird slinger and the acrobatic way Conan escapes from the Dol castle from A/S prototypes, I think the clincher is the spelling - William spelled Willelm, the A/S spelling 15 times and Wilgelm - the Norman sp - three times; the use of Caestra not Castellum, the barred D instead of TH throughout... Got to be English.
DK
JM: No. I sign my posts. By the way, I wouldn't vote for you anyway.
As for flirting, Ha ha ha ha haaaa ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa, cough cough, ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa......... etc.
That's laughing out loud.
Tzonar.
DK: by this point in history Brits were a mix of A/S, Norman, viking, celt, irish, roman, syrian, etc. So what would English be?
It's hard to use the same spelling all the time when you have so many cultures and no set way of using letters in any language.
Agree to disagree?
Tzonar.
I don't know WHAT your problem is Tzonem.
I am THIS close {--------------------------} to accepting Debster's date offer.
JM: Go ahead. Just remember Debster is a real woman. Do you know what to do with one?
Tzonar.
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TEST me!!!!!! lmao
JM: I would rather be celibate.
And disease free.
Tzonar.
Tzonar,
I agree it is a nice one to argue; and there is an interesting case to be made for it to be a French work with strong English influences (and I think the same argument can be made for Domesday) but I think your spelling argument fails if you track the spelling forms through the various versions of the ASC; as you have probably also noted, in the 'northern' versions D,E and F, where if your idea of a non standard English in the 10th - 11th Centuries was the case, one would expect to see at least some norse forms, one finds exactly the same 'southern' forms as in the B and C versions. Which suggests that unlike the spoken language written 'English' was pretty much standard by then.
Apologies for the lack of swears.
So your argument is that it must be english as they couldn't spell?
Tzonar.
Um I just thought it was quiet funny and a reasonable way to waist my lunch hour.
Nice one duck.
No, it must be English because they could spell - in the English way. They (whoever 'they' were)just couldn't (or didn't choose to)spell in the Norman way.
What do you reckon the date of it was BTW? The other imponderable.
I was always more of a Romanist so I'll take your advice on the spelling issue. Date is something I think we'll never know. Even dating techniques won't be too accurate, they'll give too much margin for error.
Could always go with the conspiracy theory nuts and say it was made by aliens.
Tzonar.
I suspect it was made in 1973.
Some granny making a xmas jumper for some poor relative. She was following a guide from the November edition of Tapestry World and realised she had too much brown cotton and too much time on her hands.
The signs are there.
If people don't like these blogger comments, why aren't they using the Haloscan ones instead?
I really don't like these blogger ones, so if they stay as the main comments, excuse me if I don't leave comments very often.
I'll still be reading the posts though.
BTW. I thought the story was the real version of what heppened, non?
Down with blogger.
Tzonar.
Tzonar and Misty -
Modern society was built on tolerance of differences.
You are being intolerant and actively promoting physical violance towards those who prefer (or who have no problem with) Blogger comments. That makes you a racist. I'm sure saint Barak would agree.
Debster: You don't scare me. As for being the eye of a hurricane, does that mean you have a problem with wind?
Rik: it means she's still and quiet but devastation happens all around her.
Spencer: I'm not advocating violence towards those who prefer, or have no problems with, blogger. I'm just stating that I don't like blogger.
I'm also not racist as blogger users come from all different races (including mine and possibly yours if we can figure out where you come from).
And if you're not nice to me I'll accuse you of anti-semitism and then tell teacher.
Tzonar.
You can't accuse me of anti-semitism - one of my best friends once met a semit.
Today, it's turned into a History debating society around here (if you ignore JMs posts ...which mightn't be such a bad idea for every day)
Spencer: You are an idiot. That is all.
Misty - it was a joke. A funny one at that. I LOVE jewish people (no more or less than people of any other faith, colour or race) as I am not a racist.
However, I do admit that I can't stand gays.
In the words of St Sinbad of Brookside Close: eh! Eh! Calm down! Calm down!
Tzonar - I am not a 'woman'. I am a lady. Albeit an amazon ... but then again that is my (part time) job.
Rik - other people have a problem with my wind. I try not to eat too much garlic now.
Forget racism, can I just advocate violence? At least for whoever programmed this blasted thing so it forgets who I am each time I come back. I am usually rather more memorable than this. Its bad enough living with a senile old lady who doesnt know who what or where she is, but now the internet has forgotten me.
It was not Tzonar who posted about the Bloggies. And I don't recall any flirting, more just me catching you out on Teh Lies.
Didn't vote for you, BTW because your blog is shite and Not At All Funny. I voted Scaryduck FTW.
LOLLERSKATES.
Are people who use 'lol' twats?
Discuss.
Depends if they are cats.
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