On laundretiquette
On the niceties of washing your kecks
Dear Uncle Scary,Like everybody in EastEnders, for whom the technology has clearly passed them by, I have to go to a laundrette to get my washing done.
Sadly, the tumble drier is invariably hogged by one customer who loads his greying rags into the drum before buggering off to the pub for three hours, returning only when he's had a skinful and spilling doner kebab juice all over my freshly-washed lingeries.
What, I ask, is the correct etiquette in these circumstances? Clearly I cannot stand on a stool and dump a steaming, fresh turd into the tumble drier by way of punishment because:
a) I have to use it next, and
b) there is a 'No standing on stools and dumping a steaming, fresh turd into the tumble drier' sign that prohibits such acts.
Similarly, opening the drier, removing his fetid clothes and drying my own might appear a tad forward and is simply not British.
What should I do? You're my last chance!
Hopelessly yours,
Albert O'Balsam, Emmer Green
Dear Albert
Follow him home and crap through his letterbox. It's the only language these curs understand.
Your pal,
Uncle Scary
On comments
I've been told that some people can't see the new-style JS-Kit/Haloscan comments, so I've decided to switch to those supplied by Blogger.
They'll run in parallel for a week or so, then I'll delete one or the other.
Please direct any complaints about the comments box to the comments box.
40 comments:
First!
Second, although I firsted all the others on the page.
Turd!!!!!!! jotd
(NEVER been used before... original and BEST lol)
I invented that joke - I haz copyright.
new player, not first, but early!
First to be currently waiting in for the laundrette to deliver, in clean, dry, folded form, the grubby laundry they picked up from my door yesterday. Minimum effort and no kebab juice ftw.
Who the HELL is Mary?
Anyone know if she's single?
Today's ironic news:
TV debt guru Lorne Spicer bankrupt
If only there was some sort of TV programme that could have given her money advice...
If one puts their own laundry in on top of the ruffian's, then run the machine, you get dibs on both sets of clothes.
Providing you don't mind having to take home their pile of still-stained undergarments and polyester, pastel-coloured La Coste tracksuits, that is.
Unfortunately, such tracksuits are useless to those with any sense of garment decency. Donating them to Africa is out of the question - the hot sun would melt the plastic fabric into the wearer's skin; donation to a cooler climate such as our own is unfortuantely also a bad idea - the needy would only scare potential charitable types away if seen wearing those clothes. Even burning them should be avoided, as the noxious fumes have been known to kill most flora and fauna in the vicinity.
Being a child of the information age, I chose to use these new, flashy comments.
And if anybody reads this, please send help - I am currently trapped after a mountain of unused, unwanted tracksuits, taken from the laundrette, collapsed on me.
I also use a lune-darette! IT is acceptable to pull someone's washing out and leave it in a basket if they have failed to return within 30 minutes of the dryer finishing. However the thought of using the same dryer as some of the plebs that go in there... *shudder*. I've taken to using dryer sheets, not shiites, recently.
And... erm... that's it.
"There is a 'No standing on stools and dumping a steaming, fresh turd into the tumble drier' sign that prohibits such acts."
I'm curious to know what this might look like. Would it be a silhouette of a man performing such an act with a big red cross drawn through it?
You should see the launderette I was in on Monday.
http://www.nightwash.de/nightwash/tv/
I'm lucky - in my building I share a washer and dryer with only two other people. But Audrey's rules are used over here too. Funny how people think it's okay to put stuff in and go away on some errand. For hours.
I just use my own washing machine.
I think it's feasible to remove his, do yours, replace his, put 50p in and turn it up to superheated. That'll learn him.
You lot disgust me with your clothes washing. Don;t you know how much electricity is used to clean a load of washing and dry it? And that's not to mention all the detergents you're putting into the ecosystem, killing BILLIONS of fish, frogs and birds.
Do us all a favour and just buy new clothes every day. It will also help the economy.
Remove his, dry yours, replace his THEN dump in it...
Why did I just spend 10 minutes looking for a suitable 'no dumping' image? - probably 'cos I know there's a suitable one out there somewhere...
I go to the launderette to pull and OFTEN get lucky.
HELPS if you have the balls to wait for your clothes sitting in your UNDIES!!!!! lol
I also sit reading the Financial Times (ZZZZZZ lol) with a peep hol cut in it!!!!!! pmsl
Same as Tzonar for me...
I use Tzonar's washing machine.
Has everyone else been too polite to mention the MIB2 reference? Or maybe no-one cares...
MIB2? What??
JM: if you sit there in your undies, maybe your success is down to sympathy from the ladies.
Hates these blogger comments.
Hates the pop up asking if you'd like more info on secure stuff.
Far prefer Haloscan.
Also, if you change over, you'll lose al the comments that people have left over the years.
I also miss the voting system. Typing -1 to the owl-fetishist is not as much fun.
NOOOOOO! All those nuggets of wisdom!
Oops. I forgot to leave my advice over here as well as over at the other, lovely comments box.
What you need to do, is take out his clothes from the dryer then spread them out all over the floor and rip them with your teeth.
Blame everything on a police sniffer dog that came in while he was at the pub and tell him that the rozzers will be back very soon as the dog found an interesting package among his kecks and they would like to talk to him.
Then use the dryer.
If anybody wants me I'll be playing over at the nice Haloscan place.
Debster: both of them?
Woo Hoo, I can join the party again. Thanks Scary!
I kind of like having two comments boxes.
Keep them both.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oCemJAd3KZA
Woo-hoo! Welcome best West Coast Richard!
Tzonar - yes.
Scary, they're dropping like flies - if you don't start the 2009Spreadsheet o' Doom there won't be any left.
Tzonar:
MIB2 = the film "Men In Black 2", this "new hotness / old & busted" stuff. I was right earlier - no-one cares :)
Not wishing to worry you, but trawling the archives reveals lots of "0 Spicy Brains" from before somwhere in July 2004. Hopefully this is because there was no Speak Your Brains facility before then?
I love the new Blogger! Boo to the JS-Kit comments!
Biggest relief when I could do my laundry at home in my own washer and dryer!
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