As the credit crunch forces us all to tighten our belts, it has become harder for impoverished families up and down the country to buy those everyday goods that are guaranteed to result in sickening, wallpaper-stripping farts.So, in the name of SCIENCE, SHITS and GIGGLES we ask the question: Which supermarket offers the cheapest basket of fart fruit? My pal TRT (a genuine white-coated scientist) and I vowed to find out. We have called our plan Operation Supermarket Squeak
Donning our protective gear, we went to Waitrose, Asda, Sainsbury and Tesco with the following shopping list:
- Savoy Cabbage
- Jerusalem Artichokes (luxury item)
- Brussel Sprouts
- Onion Bhajis
- Own-brand Baked Beans
- Value brand tinned sweet corn
- Curry sauce (extra hot)
- Bran Flakes
- Four-pack of Guinness
- Izal shiny white toilet paper (in case of follow-through)
Sadly, the budget didn't run as far as Marks and Spencer, and our Harrods personal shopper flung us out onto the cold, dismal streets of Kensington once our filthy secret became apparent.
Worse, those stuck-up bastards at Waitrose don't stock shiny white, so we had to make do with a packet of luxury moist towelettes and a handful of barbed wire, for the pursuit of SCIENCE forces such challenges upon us.
So, the scores on the doors:
Adsa: £10.73
Tesco: £11.43
Sainsbury: £11.63
Waitrose: £15.12
Now we know why the lady on the Asda adverts is always slapping her arse, while we suspect Waitrose shoppers probably wipes their bums on wads of brand new fifties.
Of course, the application of SCIENCE doesn't end here. Our mission now is to find a volunteer to consume these products and find out the guff-per-pound ratio, measuring their trouser coughs for style, control, damage and aggression and translating this data into the Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence.
Sadly, the ideal candidate – Craig Charles out of Robot Wars – is currently having loads of granny sex on Coronation Street and is thus unavailable. Furthermore, I have NO desire to get close to Jamie 'Fat Tongue' Oliver's rear passage, which means he's out as well. Which means it looks like it's going to be me, then. As usual.
You – dear reader – are more than welcome to witness the proceedings in the name of scientific neutrality, but please: No smoking in the lab
When it's all over, and once the builders have made the facilities safe, we shall write it up and submit the paper to those wallahs at the BMJ (Bottom Music Journal) for peer review.
In these days of dwindling natural resources and the threat of a renewed Cold War over transit of fossil fuels through Eastern Europe, the entire energy security of the British way of life could depend on these findings. Use them wisely.
On rampant self-promotion
Courtesy of Metro, thanks to Rikaitch for the spot
59 comments:
Is this a post-holiday Antipodean firstness? I may, however, draw your attention to the fact that Farts Thin the Ozone Layer. Methane, Youthane, We all Thane...
Dammit second. Hope you had a good time.
Lovely, thanks Debster, but still great to be home, with the Kookaburra chorus rousing me this morning, to be out walking the dogs dodging the lunatics in lycra. Situation normal.
Actually, I would recommend hot cross buns as a source of natural gas. And you forgot broccoli.
Never forget broccoli.
Onion rings, you forgot onion rings!
You mean you managed to get all the items on your shopping list at each supermarket?
Recently I have noticed that I cannot find more than 75% of the items on any shopping list, no matter how short, at any of the so-called supermarkets at which I shop.
There again, I do live in a third world country.
*squeek*
So Anonymous, are you celebrating your national day today, as well?
I light my farts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were under the impression that you blogged them, Julian.
I LOLed and farted at the same time.
I blog EVERYTHING pmsl and I'm NOW on Twitter as well!!!!!!
(got nothing ELSE to do lmao)
You may note from the content of the (ring) piece, that Azal toilet roll was not available in Waitrose. You'll have to go and get a copy of the BMJ to read the full article, but to answer your question, Jerusalem artichokes were not available from either Sainsbury's or ASDA, presumably as they'd gone off to war with the Palestinian artichokes.
That links to the 2007 SLM; is that really the latest? Isn't it time for a new one? (Martha Jones for e.g. is SO 2007)
DK
Izal toilet paper? That'll wipe the smile off your face...
and onto your lower back.
You could recycle your christmas cards instead of Izal.
what's wrong with sandpaper, you get a must nicer finish, and it removes the winnits.
I suppose any vegetable will help this experiment, no? Well, depending on volume eaten. Good luck with the toilet paper situation...Can't wait to read the results. From a safe distance, of course. :)
...and Pseudonymph, did you manage to sort out France? How was the rest of your trip?
Actually, Erin, and call me a complete cultureless void if you will, but I hated Italy with a passion previously reserved for South Australia! Couldn't find a positive thing about it. I'll go onto messenger so I don't fill up the comments thingy and annoy Mr Duck. If you're free and not late for work...
Rik, Onion bhajiis were on the list and as is well known these are even MORE lethal than onion rings.
Or are they???
I feel an experiment coming on.
Sauer-kraut, that's what's good for farting.
I would like to state from personal experience (yesterday) that having too much black pudding in one day adds a certain frisson of unpredictability and even danger to ones farting pleasure. However, it does seem to kill the odour.
If it's "follow-through bingo" you're after, I can heartily recommend out-of-date Tesco ready-meals.
Nuke it (& as Baldrick said get within dashing distance of a latrine) & then, scarf it down. See how many genuine farts you can chance, before botty armageddon ensues.
Something I'll have to get used to perhaps, as I may soon be changing my employment status to "jobseeker".
What wonderful timing... :(
Much as I dislike the bloody pop-ups that come with these comments, I would like to add that not only did you forget broccoli, you missed out on one of the best value shopping experiences going, that is Lidl.
Also, you could have tried some of the small retail 'Supermarts' round my way. If lucky, you could have picked up a dose of Salmonella from a three week old scoth egg. That would have seriously made you fart*.
*And win a trip to one of the filthiest NHS hospitals in the London area.
If you want a failsafe, guaranteed recipe for regular trouser trumpeting, apparently Orlistat is the drug of choice for loosing weight without pie-avoidance. If you fancy a giggle (or indeed, the shits) check out the side effects on Wikipedia...
"Every Lidl helps!"
I once bought a metric fuckload of jerusalem artichokes because they were selling them off cheap at the market. Alas, ignorant as I was then of the catastrophic bottom-effects, I scoffed the lot. With the benefit of hindsight, this seemed foolish enough. But no. To really put the dribbly brown icing on the smelly poo-cake, I then went for a curry. A nice hot curry.
Strangely enough, I've never eaten Jerusalem artichokes again.
Isolator....
Do you need a jobseeking wingman?????
Let me know; etc
JM:
Stand on me, If I find any Owl-free I.T. companies in need of a criminally insane chef, I'll let you know...
That's not very nice.
C'mon JM, it's a genuine offer of help.
Are you going to try & convince us that there's a (well hidden) shred of sanity about you?
for Guaranteed Bottom aerobics one could travel to India an get the chap in hotel to sort you out a local meal, but not to worry sir it will be very good.... three days later I finally prized myself of the hotel toilet.....
Craig Charles has Granny sex on Coronation St whilst the winner of most elegantly-flared nostrils on TV 1988 award Chris Barrie ends up as a butler for Brangelina.
Oh how the mighty are fallen.
PS. Misty, have you noticed that when they open an Aldi, a couple of weeks later a Lidl mysteriously appears nearby?
El Matador, flying to India would increase your carbon footprint. You see, we've heard that the governments are trading emissions quotas, and I reckon there must be a way to make COLD HARD CASH out of methane.
And of course there is asparagus for making things smell funny.
Lots of good ideas here...althought the phrasing "a metric fuckload of Jerusalem artichokes" made my day.
Pseudonymph - yep, running a bit late. But made it on time in the end. As for enjoying/not enjoying certain countries - to each his or her own. You went, you saw, you came back home gladly. At least now you know where you don't want to go, eh?
Also - any tips for a colleague of mine who's to visit your lovely country in March? I think I've scared her with poisonous bug/snake horror stories, so she's right-about-now ready for some actual facts. :)
I've switched from Strongbow to Bulmers draft and recon I'm geeting around a 20% improvement in farts. And you can smell the apple !
Erin, Australia has spiders bigger than the whole of the United Kingdom of GB & NI. It is also home to 9 of the 10 most deadly snakes in the world. And, if that weren't enough, it's full of Australians.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, Clunking. Where's your friend headed, Erin.
Although having said that, there are currently sharks off the coast of Queensland (Sunshine coast), a bitey one off Tasmania, and a maneater off the coast of Western Australia.
Clunking Fist - I've already covered the deadly snakes and insects, as noted above. I've liked the few Australians I've met, but then again, I'm a third generation Irish-Canadian.
Pseudonymph - I believe it will she will be going all along the Eastern Coast...Melbourne, Sydney, Hamilton Island? Something like that. I'm sure I've screwed up the geography, and she's really going to be visiting the bitey shark off of Tasmania.
Erin - how do you calculate what generation Canadian you are? My grandparents emigrated from England in the early 1900s. Does that make me 2nd or 3rd generation?
My brain. It's no math all the time.
Erin, I'll give you some suggestions on Facebook. A couple spring to mind, and a few to avoid as well. I'm looking at you, Gold Coast Theme Parks.
Clunking Fist - "it's full of Australians" - and fscking New Zealanders.
*hides New Zealand passport.
Dawn - I'm under the impression it goes something like: your grandparents were born here, so are first generation. My mum was born here, so second. Moi = third. I could be wrong, though. And I have no idea of my father's side.
"fscking New Zealanders"
What's fscking? Is it like blogging?
:^p
The science of super-market shopping will be very useful for the likes of Walmart
x-ray fluoresecence
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Ah well things are getting worse in the UK now - even Aldi and Lidl are starting to look posh - I wonder if Happy Shopper make anything that doesn't make you fart :p
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