On stuff that is EXACTLY 98.9 per cent of truth
The economy's in a right old state. But never fear! Alistair Darling – the man with caterpillars for eyebrows - is here to save us with a miniscule VAT cut that will have long-suffering consumers the length and breadth of the country soiling themselves with delight.
Sadly, I don't think he's thought the whole tax-cutting scheme through – just look at the chaos he has brought upon us:
- Thanks to Darling's recent decision to cut the rate of VAT from 17.5% to 15%, the Will Smith movie 'Seven Pounds' – the result of a finely-tuned Hollywood marketing campaign - will be released in the United Kingdom under the title '£6.92'*.
- Shop chain Poundland is resisting calls to change its name to 98.9p-Land. Instead, the store group has (genuinely – I'm not making this up for once) said that it will instead add special offers in its tawdry chav-encrusted aisles. Neither I nor my bottom can wait for the buy-39-get-one-free on single-ply shiny-white toilet paper.
- Any gentlemen's leisure magazine which refers to 'Giving this steamy lady a good, hard pounding' must be prepared to offer readers a 1.1 penny refund for each mention, along with a valid tax receipt.
- Additionally, under EC Directive 2008/12789c, all future productions of Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice must refer to 0.454kg of flesh, which should only be removed in the presence of a registered medical practitioner with full consent of all parties in a registered meat processing plant or McDonalds restaurant.
In the words of professional tosser Richard Littlejohn – You couldn't make it up. Apart from the bits that I made up, obviously.
* Yes, I actually sat down and worked out the VAT saving, with a calculator an' everything