Being a fine, upstanding British citizen, I sat down and took the Home Office's "Life in the United Kingdom" citizenship test, just to see how fine and upstanding a citizen I really am.For there's nothing like sorting out we fine, upstanding, patriotic British citizens from the filthy foreign ladyboys who'd shit in your airing cupboard given half the chance than a crappy multiple choice quiz resulting from Daily Mail-led immigration policy. A test you could pass with a reasonable bit of guesswork and sheer blind luck.
Now, I've got a recent first class honours degree in Social Sciences and Politics from this fine, proud nation's foremost mail order universities. I have lived in the United Kingdom as a subject of Her Royal Britannic Majesty for all but one year of my life, so I really ought to know a thing or two about both living in this most superior of nations and arriving here from some filthy foreign shore (for eg Canada).
So, emerging from the airing cupboard only slightly flushed in the cheeks, I sat down and applied my excellent knowledge of all things BRITISH (and therefore EXCELLENT) to prove how BRITISH and EXCELLENT I am.
Yup. I failed, and failed hard, along with - I suspect - a good 99% of the population who couldn't give a shit which two cities the European Parliament sits. In fact, I took the test a second time, and still failed.
I fully deserve to be sent back where I came from. I don't know if Hammersmith will have me.
34 comments:
Not so harsh on the Canadians. They have Peppermint Nobs, you know.
Oh dear. 50%. Full of fail and doomed to stay in Australia. Bugger.
Strasbourg and Brussels would be my guess - but I haven't done the test.
Oh - I only got 7 right. I've lived out of the country for far too long.
Oooops! FAIL. 46% (11/24)
peppermint Knobs eh? That would make oral sex a bit more pleasant ...
How can 71% be a fail??? But I took the test again and passed so I can stay.
10 out of 24. And me with a history and politics degree too.
So what questions SHOULD be on a 'Britishness' test?
Q1: Complete this sentence: "An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar..."
Q2: The most evil man in the universe is...
a) Adolf Hitler
b) Josef Stalin
c) Simon Cowell
Q3: Finally, for imaginitive answers we will be awarding extra points. And what do points mean?
Surely being British means that we are naturally above such things as tests? We know we're British, therefore we know already just how amazing and brilliant we are. FACT.
Apparently I failed with 58% so it's back to Scotland for me (though Ironically it was the Scottish ones that failed me.)
It's OK though I repeated myself slowly and loudly and they soon understood I was British.
Fail. 54%.
My apathy towards such things as the EU, coupled with my desire to demand treatment in a hospital without having gone to the GP first means I am a true Brit.
What questions would you include?
Fail. 63%. Back to Canterbury, then.
@ Audrey
Making a cup of tea.
a) Milk in first? or
b) Milk in last ?
The queen puts milk in last but it doesn't really matter.
Debster: FAIL. You assume that the Queen actually pours her own tea.
Such thoughts are clearly TREASON
Ohhh - 46%. But then I AM a filthy foreigner who just wildly clicked answers with abandon(still living on filthy foreign soil too). :)
My filthy foreign husband took less than 5 minutes to complete the test and got 100%... but he still can't get a job at MI5 because his parents are filthy, foreign and NOT EVEN from the Commonwealth.
Who would need to know when women could first divorce their husbands?
That's history, not Britishness!
And how can 67% be a fail?
You get the feeling that it's less a test of Britishness, and more a "Have you bothered reading the text books we sent you with your application?" test.
It would be far easier to test any immigrants on the correct use of swears. Bunch of arse.
Somewhat EU skewed and a test of history rather than a test of Britishness I think. Should be asking questions like:
When queuing, should one:
a) Form a line, stoically accept that one may be waiting for some time and merely grumble about the inclement weather to ones fellow queue members.
b) Barge past everyone shouting "Pleez to be serving!" ignoring the elderly persons poking at you with their walking sticks and who are muttering "I fought a bloody war so the furriners wouldn't get in y'know!"
I passed with flying colours* but then I am half German.
It's the bottom half of me that's German; you can tell by the way I walk.
And it's a nightmare whenever I go abroad on holiday. Every day I have to get up at 6am to throw my towel in the pool, then I have to spend the rest of the day getting totally pished and complaining loudly about my behaviour.
I'll get back to you if I ever manage to think up some proper questions for the test.
*Statement may contain traces of lie.
It's not a true test of britishness, it doesn't mention biscuits ANYWHERE.
Or tea. Or Carry On films.
Test of Britishness;
Q1. Two trains leave London at 0800. How many will arrive on time?
My ex-wife got a job at the MOD back in the 80s and then got the FAIL letter after they had a think about it. Reason was that her Dad had married a German. Her Dad was a Major in the Intelligence Corps and had barely lived in the country since he was 18. We never could work that one out.
63%.
FAIL.
29%
Guess I'll have to stay over on this side of the pond for a while.
well I failed with 58% the US test was much easier, only 3 or 4 questions!! What are the colours of the flag sort of question! :)
@ Duck.
T-reason.
What the fuck? Who, exactly, does know all that stuff? I suspect, if you DO know someone who can pass this, you should dob them in, just to be on the safe side as they're probably some sort of spy.
Well I refuse to take the test so that automatically makes me Australian if you Pommie bastards know what I mean.....However I live in Texas so FAIL.
It isn't in French so I Fail for Quebec also. If it was in French I could refuse to take it and PASS.
@Pseudonymph. Yes. Yes, we do, which means we cannot understand the upcoming Friday's post. Who needs jam?
And I'm not even going to try the test. The old man's 'rents were born in Blighty and that makes me... not British in the least.
Mwah ha ha! I took the test and passed with 20 of 24. I yam a Brit now.
and I owe it all to my extensive knowledge of English murder mysteries, Doctor Who, Scaryduck and b3ta, I do.
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