On putting the FUN back into funerals
I've just redone my funeral play-list – AGAIN – this time giving it an all-female fronted synthpop look to give the grieving loved-ones something to get down and boogie with in the aisles.
The trouble is, in these days of production line send-offs, you're lucky to get half a tune as you're carried into the chapel and something uplifting at the end as the conveyor belt carts you off to your final appointment with the ovens.
All things being equal, it was pleasing to see that poor, dead Michael Jackson had the right idea by holding his funeral in a disco.
So – potentially as a plan to get the fun-fun-funeral play-list I want, but almost entirely to fulfil the prophecy of St Delboy ("This time next year, Rodders, we'll be millionaires") I am proud to announce the opening of Cinderella Grimreaperfellas – the world's first funeral night club and roller disco.
This distinction quite naturally excludes Student Union dances, which are much the same thing.
For the cheap sum of ten grand, the management at Cinderella Grimreaperfellas offers the recently departed:
- Roller-skating pall-bearers, carrying the glittering coffin to a roped-off VIP area
- Play-list of your choice (strictly no Spandau Ballet or Celine Dion)
- Complimentary bottle of bubbly for the ladies
- Smart/casual dress code
- Sexy undertaker and/or zombie strip-o-gram
And let's not forget – because we are aware of the need to ensure that traditional funeral rites are observed – the firing of the corpse out of a cannon straight up Jimmy Carr's arse as Reverend DJ plays poor, dead Coolio's I'll C U When U Get There.
That'll bring a tear to the eye.