It was on a flight back from Amman about a decade ago that it hit me: I am sitting in a tin tube with 100 other people, and I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. flying's not been the same since, and my trips abroad are tainted by the creeping dread and bouts of claustrophobia.
That being the case, I try to make the unpleasantness as fun as possible, and make it my business to be that one annoying passenger that everybody hates. I just love to watch my favourite cattle, and take notes.
It starts at the boarding gate, with the business types scared witless that they won't get an overhead locker, mooching around, pretending not to queue, when they are - in fact - jockeying around to get to the very front as soon as the gate opens. I keep my hand luggage under my seat.
Of course, the exact opposite when we land (And I tell anybody within earshot that "Any landing you walk away from is a good one" to calm their nerves), when there is an unseemly dash for the overhead lockers, followed by twenty minutes of standing around waiting for the Club Class berk in Seat 1D to get his act together and get off the plane.
These twenty minutes are usually the worst for any seasoned traveller, as you have an aisle seat, and therefore somebody's arse in your face. For twenty minutes. And they had the fish.
Still, they always play my favourite in-flight movie: Giant Cartoon Plane Flies Slowly Across A Wildly Inaccurate Map. The only problem is they always switch it off just before it ends. Does anybody know if Giant Cartoon Plane ever got there?
6 comments:
It beats swimming there.
I find a small cocktail of champagne, brandy and a Xanax works wonders.
Feeling no pain....
Just out of curiosity, is the "crash position" you adopt still to tuck your arms around your head and put your head between your legs?
In which case... bum-face.
The very worst passengers are on EasyJet. EasyJet passengers come in two flavours - those who pay for speedy boarding and those who don't. The ones who do stand in a loosely-defined group vaguely resembling a queue off to the side of the gate. They don't want to be seen to queue because they've paid extra not to, but the fear that someone else may get on first forces them to make a semblance of queuing. The really hardcore ones sit down but don't be fooled, they're keeping an eagle eye on proceedings.
The ones who don't will start queuing at the gate as soon as it opens, because despite the fact they have a seat booked, they have to be one of the first on the plane. Late middle aged and young elderly are most keen on this and affect a self-righteous air of 'I was here first' while surreptitiously sticking out their elbows to stop anyone pushing in.
When boarding starts, the speedy boarders will push through with an air of smug nonchalance, while the non-speedy boarders will either shuffle-tighten their queue or descend into an unseemly crowd in order to be first on board once the rich bastards have boarded.
Re easyjet speedy boarding, its funniest when they walk through the gate first but then have to get on a bus which is subsequently boarded by regular passenger. In reality they have paid for easy bus boarding
Pilot joke:
A good landing is any that you can walk away from. A great landing means you can use the plane again.
signed
Retired pilot
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