Monday, December 24, 2012

The Scaryduck Songbook

I quite like music, but I am no musician. Two years struggling with violin lessons to scrape a pass in my Grade One exam is testament to the fact that I have hardly a musical bone in my body.

However, in the last couple of months, I have written two songs which I fear will become as ubiquitous as Happy Birthday and as difficult to remove from one's brain as tapeworm. These tunes came into my mind fully-formed, and the fact that both have the word "Bum" in the title are purely coincidental.

Firstly, is the musical hall raucousness of the song "Bumface", about somebody with a face like a bum:

With a face like a bum
With a face like a bum
With a face like a bum
Face just like a bum

Quite the tune, you will agree. But that is nothing to the Noel Coward-esque advertising jingle for a product that doesn't (yet) exist. We call it Added Bum

Added Bum! Added Bum!
The magical ingredient is added bum
You can buy some for your sister
You can get some for your mum
The name of the ingredient is
Added Bum!

If you are not whistling this by the end of the day, you have cloth between your ear. Elton, darling, get in touch. Let's do a deal. Because I've even invented a new musical instrument called the E-o-phone. I am not mad.

(And if anybody out there is musical, I'd like to hear your versions. This time next year, Rodders....)

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