Monday, November 05, 2007

On shooting your load into a hat

On shooting your load into a hat

Wanking into hats: a historical exploration

Originally a show of affection in the years following the Reformation where being seen around town in a wig decorated with the spaff of your nearest and dearest was the height of fashion, the activity was revived and popularised by the dandy Beau Nash, who declared: "Sowing one's seed into your beloved's hat should be made compulsory for all citizens of the fair City of Bath."

Whether this pronouncement was the result of a genuine giant step in millinery fashion, or merely the quick thinking of a man caught shooting his load into Capability Brown's finest headgear is lost in the mists of time. However, the fashion caught on quickly, and no visit to a Bath pump room would be complete without the fine trickle of salty goo running down the back of one's ear.

This practice became known as "The Beau's Special Sauce", and Nash himself credited his extraordinary longetivity to his extreme skills in front of the chapeau.

However, the Millinery Onanists movement soon lost ground to a now almost forgotten trend for the bottling of fanny batter. It wasn't until the late twentieth century when entertainer Paul Daniels would end his TV magic show with an enormous spaff into the lovely Debbie McGee's hat and screw it - still dripping with his warm man gravy - onto her uncomplaining head with his cheeky catchphrase "Now that's magic!" that the activity became fashionable once again.

Almost immediately, so-called 'Spoodge Bonnets' became the headwear of choice on the catwalks, and London Fashion Week of 1992 was dominated by talk of Jeff Banks's astounding creation with an enormous ten-gallon capacity, which sadly, resulted in the drowning of one noted supermodel and of three others who went to her rescue from the dread mass of jism.

The scandal drove the practice underground almost immediately, and Banks to the brink of ruin. He had foolishly invested all his money in hat futures and had just signed a deal to secure the EU semen lake, when the spunk bubble burst, leaving him a hairy-palmed wreck of a man.

These days, hat wanking is only practiced by a small hard core of enthusiasts. Modern health and safety regulations driven by the traditional tosser's warning of "You could put somebody's eye out with that" have ensured that the only public devotee is eccentric chanteuse Amy Winehouse.

And she doesn't even bother with the headwear.

I am not mad.

On any other business

Misty is a rather excellent photographer.

In fact, her l33t photographic sk1llz make me seeth with jealousy.

However, Misty is as poor as a particularly impoverished church mouse.

Why not, then, tootle over to her website, inspect the goods, and spend cold, hard cash on limited edition prints of her best work? Go on, you know you want to.

Click: HERE

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