It took me four hours to drive home from work the other night. Four hours. Something had to be done."Hi, you're through to Salisbury's Spire FM."
"Yeah, just an update on your traffic news."
"Go on..."
"The hour-long queue by Porton Down you've been reporting - it's been caused by some plank who's coned off a lane for no reason at all, set up the temporary lights so they only stay green for six seconds every five minutes and cleared off home for the weekend. It's every man for himself out here."
"Right...sounds bad. Is there anything anybody can do?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact - you could make an on-air appeal to get the man in charge to come back and sort it out, pronto."
"Sounds like a plan."
"Then we can tie him to a tree, smear him in jam and leave him for the ants."
"...!"
"Or, we can follow him home, wait until he's asleep, then swap his shoes for an identical pair two sizes too small."
"Muh..."
"Or, we can follow him home, befriend him, cook him his favourite meal and put ground-up toe-nail clippings in the salt cellar. Or..."
*click*
What? What did I say?
8 comments:
First for a real plan ...
Second for what would obviously be the most satisfying plan.
Also:
"Then we can tie him to a tree, smear him in jam and leave him for the ants."
Honey would probably be better for this activity.
Far too constructive for use in Spire FM traffic reports!Now if you'd been able to provide them with the sketchiest of details on something that happened 3 hours previous, I'm sure they could have used it.And those lights are a pain in the backside.My sympathies to you.
Hmmmm....jam or honey?....honey or jam?....
either way, it's Win-Win for the ants
Stuff his mouth full of wood chips and sit him down, bare-assed, on a termite mound.
Do Spire have anything to do with Wave FM in Southampton or have they managed to lose just as much of the plot completely independently?
@Marrock.
I like your style, sir.
It won't truly have effect, I suppose so.
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